Thursday, 28 July 2016

Funny Pokemon Jokes,Pick Up Lines,Quotes,Memes,One Liners

pokemon jokes and puns

Hilarious Pokemon Jokes,Pick up lines,One liners,quotes,memes for pokemon lovers ;)

Girl: You go mad when you drink.. I wanna break up!!!

Boy: Why baby what I did...

Girl: Yesterday night after party at my home..

Boy:: 😍 What I did..hmm..?

Girl: Idiot you threw my cat from my window & said pikachu thunder bolt attack  !
__________________________________________

Funny pokemon jokes only pokemon fans would get

Q. What's the difference between Snorlax and Gordon Brown?
A. Snorlax didn't get payed to get in the way of progress!
__________________________________________

I got a new persian rug. That'll teach him not to use payday!
__________________________________________

Q. What does an electrical pokemon do if you piss it off?
A. They Raichu an angry letter!
__________________________________________

My Alakazam got disqualified during a round in the pokemon league. I told him to use FLASH but he misunderstood.
__________________________________________

I think pikachu has it easy. All of the others are always having their balls grabbed!
__________________________________________

My oddish got a new girlfriend a few days ago. I havent met her but I dont think it'll last... yesterday I heard him calling her a bulbus whore!
__________________________________________

I heard they are opening a chain of restraunts specialising in moltres meat. Its called Self Fried Chicken.
__________________________________________

What's a low-fat pokemon?
Butterfree
__________________________________________

When do you take your pokemon to the pokecenter?
When it's "koffing"
__________________________________________

What did the pikachu say when Ash fell over the cliff?

"pikachu" that's all it CAN say.
__________________________________________

Wanna hear a pokemon joke? "yes" that was onix-pected
__________________________________________

Monday, 25 July 2016

Most Hilarious Jokes On Kabali-Mind it!

jokes on kabali

The Rajnikanth award goes to Oscars for Kabali
__________________________________________________

If you illegally download Rajinikanth's movie, a virus will come out and slap you and take you to the nearest theater to watch his movie.
__________________________________________________

Tried downloading Kabali. µTorrent uninstalled itself. System got formated. Wi-Fi router crashed. Nearby Airtel tower vanished
__________________________________________________

I don't look for holidays to release a film, I just release the film and it becomes a holiday.  Rajnikant (2016) Thaliva!
__________________________________________________

Salman Khan releases his movie on Eid, because it is a Holiday

Rajinikanth releases his movie and it becomes a Holiday 
__________________________________________________

Ticket...Ticket... Ticket...

         40 years back.. one ordinary bus conductor used to ask passengers.Now entire world is asking ticket...ticket..ticket whenever his movie released. :-)

        This is what ....transformation... destiny... creating oppurtinities... big dreams... know your potential... personal branding.... be yourself.....live simple...

         Rajini is not part of the History but made his-story as History...
__________________________________________________

Yesterday: Kabali illegal downloads available.
Today: KickassTorrents officially shuts down, founder arrested in Poland.
Rajinikanth rocks.
__________________________________________________

Kabali leaked on torrents and kickass torrent owner got arrested..!!# MindIt RIP kickass Torrents :)
__________________________________________________

Kickass torrent owner was downloading kabali from his own torrent. And the result is shocking.
__________________________________________________

Saturday, 23 July 2016

13 Humorous Jokes On Ice Cream + Witty Quotes,One Liners



Ice Cream Jokes

Hilarious jokes on ice cream,witty quotes on ice cream,ice cream one liners,funny ice cream man jokes,funny sayings,slogans...and lot more interesting :)

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with nuts & hundreds and thousands.

Police say that he topped himself.
_____________________________________________________

funny ice cream jokes
Why did the little boy drop his ice cream? He got hit by a bus.
_____________________________________________________

The clerk in the Ice Cream shop saw a customer leaving the drug store across the way, heading for his shop. The customer entered, set a small Thermos container on the counter and unwrapped a condom. "Here, take this condom. Drop a scoop of ice cream in it."

The clerk did so, and handed the condom, with its ice cream content, to the customer. The customer placed the arrangement in the Thermos jug, and capped the jug.
"What," asked the ice cream purveyor, "is the reason for that?"

"For three months now, my wife has been bugging me for a deep freeze. Tonight, by golly, I’m going to give it to her."
_____________________________________________________

Why did the little girl's ice cream melt?

She was on fire.
_____________________________________________________

A man walks past an ice cream stand that advertises, ‘Every flavor ice cream in the world.’ ‘Bullsh#t,’ thinks the man and walks in. 

‘So you say you have every flavor ice cream in the world? O.K., I would like three scoops of cun+ flavoured ice cream please.’ ‘No problem sir.’ 

The assistant gives the man three scoops of ice cream in a cone and the man takes a good lick. 
Grimacing, he says, ‘This doesn't taste like cun+, it tastes like shit!’ 

The assistant replies, ‘Of course it tastes like shit when you take such long licks!’
_____________________________________________________

WHY PEOPLE BUY MAGNUM ICE CREAM:
1% - Because its delicious 
99%- to prove that they can afford one
_____________________________________________________

Me - Hey Dad, can you shout me an ice-cream?
Dad - "ME AN ICE-CREAM"
_____________________________________________________

I hate how ice cream immediately melt on my fingers. I mean, am i that hot ? 
_____________________________________________________

Girl Demanded for Ice Cream
Boy Purchased It
Girl: Thank U
Boy: Only Thank U
Girl: U Want Kiss Na?
Boy: Arrey Romance Ki Bhuki, Aadhi Icecream De.
_____________________________________________________

There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor. The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don't forget. 

They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream.
"You might want to write it down," she said. The husband said, "No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream." She then told her husband she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream. 

"Write it down," she told him, and again he said, "No, no, I can remember: you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream.

"Then the old lady said she wants a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top. "Write it down," she told her husband and again he said, "No, I got it. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top.

"So he goes to get the ice cream and spends an unusually long time in the kitchen, over 30 minutes. He comes out to his wife and hands her a plate of eggs and bacon. The old wife stares at the plate for a moment, then looks at her husband and asks, "Where's the toast?"
_____________________________________________________

What did the ice cream say to the unhappy cake?
"What's eating you?"
_____________________________________________________

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" 

Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." 

Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" 

The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." 

Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"
_____________________________________________________

WHY PEOPLE BUY MAGNUM ICE CREAM:

1% - Because its delicious
99%- to prove that they can afford one
_____________________________________________________

Thursday, 21 July 2016

Hilarious Jokes About Skinny People With Witty Quotes & One Liners

Here is the hilarious collection of jokes about skinny people,jokes about being skinny,skinny jokes for girls,skinny jokes for guys with witty quotes and one liners

funny jokes about skinny people

I hate when skinny bitches call themselves fat just to get compliments.
Bitch, shut the f#ck up and eat that sandwich.
_____________________________________________

Its Hard To Date Skinny Girls Because
You Don't Know Wether To Love Them
Or Feed Them.
_____________________________________________

Skinny couple holding hands be looking like letter M
_____________________________________________

I hate when i tell a joke 2 a skinny chic and she texts back 'LMAO'...like, what do u mean bitch?! U dont have an ass to laugh off!!
_____________________________________________

A Skinny little white Irish man gets into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little Irish man staring at him.

He looks down at the Irish man and says:”7 ft tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch p#nis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown"

The little white Irish man faints dead away and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him……

The big guy says,"What's wrong with you?"
In a weak voice the little Irish guy says,"What EXACTLY did you just say to me?"

The big dude says,"Well, I saw your curious look and I figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me................

I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my balls weigh 3 pounds each...and my name is Turner Brown"

The little white Irish man says: “Turner Brown?…. O’h Sweet Jesus........ I thought you said, "Turn around!"
_____________________________________________

Things Every “Skinny” Girl Is Tired Of Hearing

1. “Do you ever eat?”-Yes, I eat.
How the heck would I still be alive?

2.You have a boyish figuyre.”-Really ? I know boys who have bigger boobs than I do.

3. “You’d look better with a little meat on your bones.”-oh wow..and you know this coz??

4.“Real men love curves.”-I’m pretty sure real men love confidence.

5.“You should try modelling!”-Why? Because you think I’m pretty enough? Or is it because I’m skinny?

6.wow.You can wear anything and it will look good on you.”- Actually…most clothes don’t fit
right. I have to get them hemmed,or taken in. And baby clothes aren’t my style.

7.“Eat a cheeseburger!”-really..??Ido eat cheeseburgers. Lots of them. I’ve even tried protein shakes and “bulk up” diets.

8.You’re all skin and bones.”- hello.I have organs, hair,nails….oh and a personality!

9.I bet you don’t even have to exercise.”-Exercising is good for your body and mind. Just because
I’m thin, doesn’t mean I sit on the couch all day.

10.You look like one of those kids in the Unicef commercials.”-Those kids are actually dying. How
horrible are you?
_____________________________________________

Lost your pen = no pen
No pen = no notes
No notes = no study
No study = fail
Fail = no degree
No degree = no work
No work = no money
No money = no food
No food = skinny
Skinny = ugly
Ugly = no love
No love = no marriage
No marriage = no children
No children = alone
Alone = depression
Depression = sickness
Sickness = death
Lesson: Don't lose your pen, YOU WILL DIE
_____________________________________________

I'm wearing skinny jeans. If I can't get them off, neither can the rapist.
_____________________________________________

Wednesday, 20 July 2016

Hyderabadi Jokes,Comedy Shayari,Quotes,Dialogues

Hyderabadi Jokes With Funny Hyderabadi Shayari  😆

A HYDRABADI STUDENT WRITES A LEAVE LETER 2 HIS SCHOOL Principal


                     from:
                     maich
                     merich ischool
                     yeich gaav

To
Head mastr
merich ischool
merach gauv


Subj: chutti hona

Dekho sir,

Tumhare ku kya krne ka hai so kro, meko zara kam hai aana nai hota dekho
Ab zada mska nakko marne ko lagau, chutti dete to diyo nai to jando,mai mera le letau.

Thankyou

                    your's faithfully
             Tumarach isstudent
________________________________________________
hyderabadi funny jokes________________________________________________

Hyderabadi Customer : Merku Cheque Deposit Karna Hai Kab Tak Clear Karte.

Banker: 2 ya 3 Din Mein Clear Hojata.

Customer: Dono Banks To Amne Samne Ich Hai Phir Itti Der Kaiku.

Banker : Sir, Procedure Follow Karna Padhta, Agar Ap Qabristan Ke Bahar Accident Mein Margaye To Apku Ghar Ku Leke Jate, Gusal Dete, Kafan Pehnate, Janaze Ki Namaz Padhate. Ya Phir Marte Ich Samne Ke Qabristan Mein Dafan Karte.

Customer : Aise khartarnak example nakko de re bawa, samajh gaya main
________________________________________________

Ek Farmhouse me Kittey ki ghode rehte usme se ek ghoda bimaar hojata...
maalik veterinary doctor bulata

doctor:ye ghode ku infection hogaya, teen din dekhenge agar sahi hogaya to thik hai naito maar dena padta warna dusre ghodon ku b infection hojaata..

ghode ka pakka dost ek bakra rehta une idea se poore baatan sunleta..abb jaake ghode ku bolta
Bakra: mama tumarku teen din me maardete bolre yaaro nakko karo aisa uth k bhaago pinda....
lekin ghoda nai uthta
do din baad..

Bakra:Arey uth jaa re bhai ek ich din bache va hai naito kal baigan me miljaata
fir b nai uthta ghoda

Maalik aur doctor dono ghode ku maarne k injection'an tayyar karte rehte
bakra dekhleta fir ghode kane jaata

Bakra:Ab to injection b ready hai terku maarne ka uth jaa..
Abb ghoda b kiraak hojaata aur uth k ground me bhaag na shuru kardeta..
Maalik: Ababababaaa! kya bhaagra yaro..

sahi hogaya apna ghoda..
yeich khushi me aaj jashan hunga.....
kidar hai bakra lao....
katinge..

Moral of the story:
zyada hamdardi nakko karo, overacting me andar hojate
________________________________________________

Girl: kya karre the

Boy : izzat ki dor ko uljhano ki jakad aur kashmakash se azad karra tha

Girl: Matlab

Boy : payjame k naade ku gheenti pad gai kholra tha ji zor se aara

Girl : aghoosh e ghunoodgi ki bahon me simat jaa ae mohalle k bashinde

Boy: Matlab

Girl : marjaa kutte
________________________________________________

Use Chaha b To izhar karna nahi aaya,
Bit gai umar par hume pyar karna nahi aaya,

Usne magi b to judai magi aur hume inkar karna b nahi aaya..
aur uneh batroom me baitha magar pani nahi aya haha
________________________________________________

Hyderabadi: "South Zone"
Telegu People: "South JONE"
________________________________________________

Me : Apki pic send karo na ji :)
She : Kaiku kya karna hai??
Me : Chote Bacche ku daraake sulana hai
#‪‎Blocked‬
________________________________________________

"Zindagi itti sarki hogayi, neend hushaar hue takk din khatam hojaara, aankh lagey takk raat guzar jaari.."
________________________________________________

Boys ,when girl mesg for first time.
Girl : Hi

Boy :(khushi se) Ji wo apne walime me kitne log aainge apki taraf se ? Wo bawarchi ku advance dene poocha .
________________________________________________

Girl: aap kya karte

Boy: ji businessman hu

Girl: konsa business

Boy: sophisticated manual elastic holding devices

Girl: woww amazing ! Kya rehta wo

Boy: ji naadey bechtum bandi pe

Girl : marja kutte
________________________________________________

DOCTOR: Mareez ko agar 1 ghanta pahile late tho hum isey bacha pate...

ME: Sala Aadhe ghante pahile tho accident howa, phir 1 ghanta pahile g marane late hospital ko.
________________________________________________

Hyderabadi Wife:- Dp Toh Mast Dikhri Na G Tumari

Husband:- Shukriya Meri Jaan
Wife :- Shirt Toh "Usman" Hai G ApKa

Hus:- Usman ? ?

Wife :- Usman Nai Maloom ? Usman Bole Toh Loga Dekhte Ki Amma Usman Shirt Dikhra Bolte Na G

Hus :- Gosh Wale Usman Bhai Dikhrau Bolri Kya Tu Meku

Wife :- Aaji Usman Bole Toh ... Tum Hamesha Chindi Kapde Pente Pente Acche Kapde Pen Liye Na Ab. Ekdum "Usman" Dikhre Aap Meku ...

Hus :- Aaiieenn Chindi Kapde  Kaun Toh Bhi Usman Bhai Gey ?  Plumber Usman Bhai Bolri Kya Jis Ka Bazuk Wali Ke Saat Chakkar Chalra So

Wife :- Aaii Thu Ba  Woh Chulguza Kaiku Yaad Aagaya Tumare Ku Ab ?

Hus :- Aaiieenn Kaun Usman Gey Phir

Wife :- Tum Ji Tum .... Aur Tumara Shirt Bhi Usman  Nai Maloom Tha Meku Itte Usman Hai So Tum

Hus :- Usman Ki Aisi Ki Taisi

Wife :- Aaii Nakko Bolo Aisa ... Nazar Utaro Usman Dikhrein Tum Aaj

Hus :- Awesome Bolri Kya Tu

Wife :- Awesome Bolte Usku ?  Usman Usman Bolte Jariun Main Bhi Jab Se  Chii Baaa

Hus :- Agey Paagal Aurat.. Hendri Deeeani  Aaj Bata di Tu pakki old city Ki hai so ..
Nikal Diya Dekh Dp Meri Ab

Hyderabadi Wife:- Bina Dp Ke Bhi Usman Dikhte Ji Ap Meku

Husband :- Awesome Gey Awesome  Usman Nai Bolte Sunri
________________________________________________

Dost 1 : baap mai itta handsome hun, goora hun, kiraak gaadi hai angaar body hai, phir be koi
bachi aa k baat tak nai karti re merse, kaiku re ayesa ??

Adwance : are howley ! jab tak apply nai karte, job nai milti re pakit !
Samaj gaye so wale likaaa marte katey
________________________________________________

boy : daadi kya apan hamesha paanch ich rahingey abba, ammi, baji,tum, mai??

Dadi : tu shaadi karle 6 hojate

Boy : phir baji ki shaadi ho jati, unu chale jate, phir paanch

Dadi : tereku bacha hota phir 6 hojate

Boy : phir tum marjate phir paanch hojate...

Dadi : tera murda niklo iflaas kaiku tung karra re dalindar Itti Garmi Me
________________________________________________

So this happens when Starbucks sets shop in Hyderabad.

A guy walks into Starbucks, takes a seat and calls Ismail Bhai, our waiter. Now, our Ismail is a purebred Hyderabadi.

Guy orders: Cafe Latté?

Ismail: Haan laatu, kya hona bolo.

Guy, perplexed: Mocha?

Ismail: Mauka to sabku milta saab, aapku kya hona bolo.

Guy, exasperated: Cappuccino?

Ismail: Arre haulay cuppa kaiku chhinu main, terku kya hona bol re.

Guy runs away.
________________________________________________

Salim Feku: Hamare Bawa itte lambe hai ki Khade Khade chalte Fan ku rok dete
Jahangir: Hamare Bawa bhi lambe ich hai, lekin aise Haule Kaama nai karte....

Salim Feku: My dad is so tall that he would stop a moving fan with his hand
Jahangir: Even my dad is tall but he didn't do such nonsense stuff
________________________________________________

Teacher: Tell me one animal that lives in water?
Ismail Bhai: Are Jahangir, kya bolri yaaron ino? (Jahangir, what is she saying?)

Jahangir: Pani mein kya rahta poochri. (she is asking what lives in water)
Ismail Bhai: Fish madam

Teacher: Good, tell me four more animals that live in water
Ismail Bhai: Are Jahangir, ab kya poochti ustaad ino? (What does she want now?)

Jahangir: pani mein aur kya rahta poochri Ismail bhai
Ismail Bhai: fish ki amma, bawa, akka, anna... yeh bhi nai maloom re isku.. maa ki kirkiri (Doesn't she knows this too, the fish's mom, dad....)
________________________________________________

Let us know how did you like our collection of Hyderabadi jokes in the comment section below.

Tuesday, 19 July 2016

Hilarious Jokes On Indian Culture

jokes on indian culture

Indian Culture-
Ladki apni marzi se de to pyar
dost dilwaye to uphar
gharwale dilwaye to sanskar
aur khud le le to balatkar
_______________________________________________

Dummies guide to Indian Culture.
(10 things against Indian Culture.)

1. Girls wearing "short dresses", drinking, partying till late.

2. Watching pornography. Swearing or using obscene language.

3. Not being a virgin before marriage

4. Celebrating Valentines day.

5. Having sex. Thinking about sex.

6. Getting divorced.

7. Not praying.

8. Not fasting, eating non-veg or not following rituals.

9. Not listening to parents when it comes to making career choice. Marrying a girl of your parents choice. Not your choice.

10. MOST IMP : talking anything against Indian culture.
_______________________________________________

When Girls Wear Mini-Skirts, You Go & Beat Them Up Because It Is Against Indian Culture..!!

When Girls & Guys Party Together, You Go&Beat Them Up Because It Is Against Indian Culture..!!

When Lovers Celebrate Valentine's Day, You Go & Beat Them Up Because It Is Against Indian Culture..!!

But When A Gang Rape Happens,
Where Do You Hide The So-Called "Moral Police"
.
.
.
.
Saalon Jab Sahi Jagah Himmat Nahi Dikha Sakte,
To Baaki Time Kyun Ungli Karte Rehte Ho
_______________________________________________

A Hindu, a Muslim and a Christian enter a bar.

Unfortunately, we can’t let you in on the rest of the joke. It's against our Indian Culture.
_______________________________________________

Funny Mirror Puns,Witty Quotes,One Liners-Click & Enjoy Your Day

funny mirror puns

Sit back ... relax...here I have jokes on mirror with quotes & one liners for you ;)

Ladki: Is mirror ki kya keemat he??

SHOPKEEPER : Rs.1000 !

Ladki: ohh.. bahut mehnga he..
kya isme koi khas baat he??

SHOPKEEPER: aap isko 100 floor se niche girao,

ye mirror 99 floor tak nai tutega...

Ladki : Wow.. PACK kardo bhaiya !!!
_______________________________________________

Akpors picks up a mirror lying in the field, but never having seen one before, does not know what it is.

When he looks at it, he is shocked and scared because the face he sees looks just like his dead
father, who he misses very much.

Every time he gets sad and misses his father, he looks into the mirror and cries his eyes out.

His wife sees this from time to time and wonders what is going on until one day she grabs the mirror from him. She looks in the mirror and sees the ugliest woman she has ever seen in her life and
smacks her husband against the headscreaming:

"You dog, Is it this ugly old mistress you are crying over?

Now I know you have been cheating on me all this while"

The case was taken to court and evidence (mirror) was there to prove the allegations
_______________________________________________

A certain private school was faced with a unique problem, where a number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick. They would apply it in the bathroom, which was fine. But after that they would press their lips on the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance janitor would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance janitor. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine all the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance janitor to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled mop, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers.. . . and then...
there are educators..!!
_______________________________________________

Jija Sali Jokes,Wife Vs Sali Jokes,Jija Sali Humor ;)

Jija Sali Jokes


Apni Sali Ke Saath Sex Karne Ke Baad Jija Bola
Jija: Tum Apni Didi Se Zyada Majaa Deti Ho

Saali Udaas Hote Hue: Dekhiye Na Jijaji, Fir Bhi Mere Pati Kahte Hai Tumhari Didi Jyada Maja Deti Hai
________________________________________________
funny jokes on jija sali
Dimag wala joke
Jija Sali Se:
"Agr Mai Tumhe Kiss Kru To Tum
Kya Samjhugi"

Sali:"Main Samjhungi
Pagal JIJU BANGKOK Gaya Aur
Sirf Airport Se Hi Vapas Laut Aaya.
________________________________________________

Non Veg Jokes On Sali

Pogo joke
.
.
.
.
Sali to jija : jiju plz mujhe500 rupey de do mai
agale hafte de dungi..!!
.
.
.
.
.
Jija : tum 1000 lelo magar abhi do..!!
________________________________________________

Jija: Sali ji, aapke yahan ki sabse mash-hoor cheez kaunsi hai?

Sali: Jija ji, jo mash-hoor thi, usey to aap le gaye!

Jo smaj Gaye thoko Like Baaki Pogo Dekho...
________________________________________________

Ek Sali apne Jija k sath train me ja rahi thi.
Raat ko wo kafi der tak Jija ko apne Qisse sunati
rahi,
K,

Achanak Jija ne puchha:
"Kya Khayal Hai Aaj Raat Hum Dono "Miyan Biwi"
Ki Tarah Guzaaren"
Sali sharmate hue boli:

"Ji..., jaise aap ki marzi"
Jija:
"To chalo phir apni
bak bak band karo aur mujhe sone do"
.
.
.
.
.
Na dosto Na.
.
.
Gande msg or hamare Page Se ?
Impossible...
________________________________________________

Wife Vs Sali Funny Jokes

What is the difference between wife & saali?
Saali is Beauty,
Wife is duty,

Saali is passion,
Wife is tension,

Saali is patakha,
Wife is sayapa,

Saali is cool,
Wife is fool,

Saali is tuty-fruity,
Wife is qismat futi, Saali is fresh cake,
Wife is earth quake…
________________________________________________

Jija aur saali sunsaan jungle se ja rahe the.
Sali : Jija ji kahi aap is mauke ka faida utha k mere saath zabardasti to nahi karenge?

Jija: Dikhta nahi mere ek hath may Bakri aur Danda hai,aur doosre hath may murga, rassi aur balti hai.Mai kaise kuch kar sakta hoon.

Sali: Kyo nahi kar sakte, agar Danda jamin me gaad k rassi say bakri ko baand do ,aur balti ulta karke murge k upar rakh do to aap sab kuch kar sakte ho, mujhe aapse bahut dar lag raha hai,

Moral of the story. Man is always innocent. Women gives ideas
________________________________________________

Pati Ka Sex Karne Ka Mood Thha Office Se Ghar Aate Hue Bazar Se Condom Le Aya
Ghar Aaya To Patni Ne Us Se Pucha
Patni: Ye Condom Kitne Ka Hai?
Husband: 10 Rupe Ka
Patni: Hey Bhagwan, Mehngayi To Dekho, Jab Main Saatvi Class Mein Thhi Tab 50 Paisi Ke 3 Aate Thhe
________________________________________________

Ek Premi Joda Park Mein Bethe Thhe Aur Apas Mein Baatein Kar Rahe Thhe
Ladki Ne Apne Premi Ke Pyar Ki Parakh Karte Hue Us Se Puchha.
Ladki: Agar Tumhe 8 Boobs Mile To Kya Karoge?
Ladka Khushi Se Jhumte Hue: Main Use Ji Jaan Se Dabaunga… Chusunga… Chaatunga… Uspar Latak Jaunga…
Ladki Ye Sun Kar Gusse Se: To Wahaa Udhar Ek Kutiya Soyi Hui Hai, Chal JaaAur Shuru Ho Jaa
________________________________________________

Santa Apni Girlfriend Ke Boobs Choos Raha Tha
Girlfriend Ko Maja Aa Raha Tha Excited Hoke Boli
Girlfriend: You Want Anything Else?
Santa Masumiyat Se: Agar Do Parle G Ke Biscuits Aur Mil Jaate To Maja Hi Aa Jata
________________________________________________

Ladka Ladki Se Puchta Hai: Shaadi KeBad Vidayi Ke Time Ladkiya Roti Kyu Hai?
Ladki: Abe Ullu, Agar Tujhe Pata Ho Ki Koi Tujhe Ghar Se Door Le Jake Kar Sari Rat Teri Gaand Marega To Tu KyaNachega
________________________________________________

Baba Se Unke Ek Bhakt Ne Pucha
Bhakt: Baba Ji, Hamare Haath Mein Lakeere Kyu Hai?
Baba Ji Ne Jawab Diya: Bachha Isliye Hai Taki Muth Marte Hue Lund Hath Se Slip Na Ho Aur Grip Bani Rahe
________________________________________________

Ultimate Truth Of Life Is Success Kisses You In Private
But…
Failure Always Fucks You In Public
________________________________________________

Tension - When Wife Is Pregnant.
Terror - When Girlfriend Is Pregnant.
Horror - When Both Are Pregnant.
Tragedy - When You Are Not Responsible For Both.
________________________________________________

Why Is Penis Always Sad?
1. His Hairstyle Is A Mess.
2. His Relatives Are Nuts.
3. His Neighbor Is An Asshole.
4. Whenever He Gets Up, He Vomits and Faints.
________________________________________________

Girlfriend and Boyfriend Hotel Mein Sex Karne Ke Liye Gaye
Jaisi Hi Vaha Jake Ladki Ne Jeans Utari To Panty Mein Se Hariyali Najar Aayi
Ladke Ne Ghabrate Hue Puchha: Abe Ye Kya Hai??
Ladki Sharmate Hue: Oh Shittt, Raat Ko Mooli Nikalana Hi Bhool Gayi
________________________________________________

Santa Aur Ladki Ke Bich Suni Gayi Ek Baat
Girl: Sir, What Do You Prefer? Breasts Or Legs?
Santa khush hote hue: Pussy
Girl slapped and said : Saale Tu Randi-Khanne Main Nahi Khada, Yeh KFC Ka Counter Hai
________________________________________________

Sex Peroid Mein Teacher Ne Bacho SePucha:
Tum Us Aadmi Ko Kya Kahoge Jo Condom Use Nahi Karta
Classroom Ke Sare Students Zor Se Bole: Daddy, Daddy, Daddy
________________________________________________

Q. Why Do Women Watch Porn Movie Till The End?
A. Because They Think That The Guy Will Marry The Girl In The End.
________________________________________________

Bar Girl Dancing, Public Clapping
She Removes Her Top, More Claps
Removes Her Skirt, Louder Claps
Removes Her Bra N Panty, Total Silence ????
Moral: You Cant Clap With 1 Hand (Kyunki Ek Hath Se Kabhi Tali Nahi Bajti)
________________________________________________

Monday, 18 July 2016

Funniest Jokes On Gold Diggers/Gold With Funny Quotes,One Liners ;)

funny gold digger jokes

I aint saying she's a gold digger
But she does pick her nose a lot
_______________________________________________

Now I ain't saying she's a gold digger, But she has an unusual amount of mining equipment
_______________________________________________

HEATED Gold is called
Ornament

BEATED Copper is called
Wire

COMPRESSED Carbon is called
Diamond

&
HEATED, BEATED & COMPRESSED
Person is called
HUSBAND.
_______________________________________________

Most Hilarious Virginity Jokes,Losing Virginity Jokes With Funny Quotes & One Liners

Virgin Jokes

Here is the best collection of jokes about lost virginity,losing virginity,virginity funny quotes & one liners


Virginity is like a Balloons , one prick and it's gone for ever!
Sex Is Like A Pack Of Chips, Once You Start,You Can't Stop. , once you start you....can't stop !

An Exam Paper is like a Dic# , when it.hard...people get f#cked !

Education is like hiring a Prostitutes, it needs both your money and your hardwork ...!

SUCCESS! like Masturbating , only your own hand can let you achieve it!

So basically life is........PORNOGRAPHY
_________________________________________

"You took my Daughters Virginity!" 

"I'm sorry sir. It won't happen again."
_________________________________________

virginity jokes
_________________________________________

My Virginity Was LOST!!
We Kissed,He pushed me in the Bed,

He told me I shouldn't be scared,
He told me I shouldn't feel bad,

My Virginity Was Lost,
I told him I wanted everything Perfect,
He told me everything Was Right, 
Why didn't it Feel Right??

Damn He was a Pervert.
My Virginity Was Lost,
I threw him a Condom,
He said F#ck the Condom,

He kissed me while throwing my clothes on the floor,
He locked the door,
He told me not to scream,

He said this is like Eating Ice-Cream,
He said this was like a dream.
My Virginity Was Lost,
As he Went Faster,
As he went deeper,

The more Pain I felt, 
After all this,

Blood scattered the bed,
I took my pants and my belt,
I felt sick and Bad.

My Virginity was lost,
He said to me,
Thanks for the service,
you may now leave the section,
As he threw my bag,
These words I shall remember,

He left me with an infant, Few Months Passed,
He died of AIDS,Meaning I had it too!
My virginity was lost,

He played me,
He used me as his tool, How can he be so Cruel??
I thought he was cool,Damn I was a Fool,
My Virginity was Lost!
Ladies Know Your Worth
_________________________________________

I`m like your virginity, Once I’m gone, you aren’t getting me back. 
_________________________________________

Who broke your virginity?
1. I was raped
2. Uncle/aunt
3. Teacher
4. Maid
5. Husband/wife
6. Current boyfrnd/ girlfrnd
7. I am still virgin
8. Stepfather/ stepmother
9. Cousin
10. Pastor
11. Employer
12. Schoolmate
13. Naighbour
14. Others
15. Yourself*masturbation*
_________________________________________

Dear girls...
touch his heart.. not his pocket..
bring him home.. not in five star hotel..
steal his tears... not his balance...

Dear boys...
try to touch her heart... not her body...
bring her home to introduce ur parents.. not to get her in ur
bedroom...
steal her tears not her virginity
_________________________________________

Lose virginity with girl I really like - ironically 
She breaks up with me the next week - as a joke 
I pretend not to care - ironically 
Drunk text - ironically

Try to get her back - ironically 
Call her new boyfriend a douche then run away - as a dare 
Have counselling - ironically 
(After she blocks me on Facebook) - AS A JOKE
_________________________________________

chuck norris's daughter lost her virginity....he got it back
_________________________________________

Virginity Test
Son:Dad,I want to marry,how can
I know if my wife is a virgin?

Dad: Do virginity test..
Son: What do you mean?

Dad : Buy a red and blue paint
Son: How can that help?

Dad: Paint your left ball with the blue paint,and your right ball with the red
paint,when you want to have sex,remove your underwear;

If she says , "i have never seen strange balls like this in my life, that mean she's not a Virgin..

Case close..
Agreed?
_________________________________________

Friday, 15 July 2016

Most Hilarious Jokes About Moon & Moon Landing ;)

moon jokes

America, a country where people believe the moon landing was fake, but wrestling is real.
______________________________________________

How does the moon clean the ice off its windshield?

It uses a skyscraper!
______________________________________________
moon landing jokes

Neil Armstrong lands on the moon: 5 pictures.

Girl goes to Starbucks: 47 pictures.
______________________________________________

The sky was dark
The moon was high
All alone

Just her and I
Her hair so soft
Her eyes so blue I knew just what
She wanted to do
Her skin so soft

Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine I didn't know how
But I tried my best
To place my hand

On her breasts
I remember my fear
My fast beating heart But slowly she spread
Her legs apart

And when she did it
I felt no shame
All at once

The white stuff came At last it's finished
It's all over now
My first time
Milking a cow!
______________________________________________

Gf & Bf at a garden on ful-moon night.

Gf: it is a beautiful flowr

Bf: if i were a flowr

Gf: oh! What a beautiful moon.

Bf: i'll b awaing there 4 u dear.

Gf: after ur death
______________________________________________

First line neil armstrong said after landing on moon...

ok...where is the oil ? :D
______________________________________________

______________________________________________

Hilarious Aerobics Puns & Witty Quotes On Aerobics

funny aerobics jokes

A woman with really hairy armpits boards a bus. Unable to find a seat, she hangs on to one of the poles.

A drunk man looks up at her in amazement and says, " I love a woman that does aerobics!"
" I don't do aerobics!!'' the woman replies angrily.

"Then how did you get your leg up so high?" asks the drunk.
__________________________________________________

A woman on the phone to her friend; I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising…. 

I decided to take and aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
__________________________________________________

Killer Jokes On Fasting With Funny Quotes,Pictures-Full On Comedy ;)

Enjoy Some Of The Best Funny Jokes On Fasting,Funny Fasting Quotes

fasting jokes

1.F***ing once a week is good for ur health but harmful if done everyday.

2. F***ing gives proper relaxation for ur mind and body

3. F***ing refreshes you.

4. After F***ing, don't eat too much. Go for fruits and liquids.

5. F***ing can reduce ur cholesterol level.

So FASTING is good for ur health.

Start FASTING today!!!

God forgive your dirty mind.

what were you thinking of?
______________________________________________
Wife: "Aaj nahi! Aaj mera vrat hai!"

Coming soon!
MANFORCE CONDOM with SABU DANA FLAVOUR.
Only for fasting days! 
"Ab upvas mein bhi sahavaas"
______________________________________________

What kind of food is permitted to eat while fasting? 

Fast food.
______________________________________________
______________________________________________

Thursday, 14 July 2016

Hilarious Robbery Jokes,Bank Robbery Puns With Funny One Liners & Quotes

robbery jokes


Hilarious Jokes About Bank Robbery,Robbery,Robbers Including Funny Quotes & Pictures

During a robbery in Guangzhou, China, the bank robber shouted to everyone in the bank: "Don't move. The money belongs to the State. Your life belongs to you."

Everyone in the bank laid down quietly. This is called "Mind Changing Concept” Changing the conventional way of thinking.

When a lady lay on the table provocatively, the robber shouted at her: "Please be civilized! This is a robbery and not a rape!"

This is called "Being Professional” Focus only on what you are trained to do!
When the bank robbers returned home, the younger robber (MBA-trained) told the older robber (who has only completed Year 6 in primary school): "Big brother, let's count how much we got."

The older robber rebutted and said: "You are very stupid. There is so much money it will take us a long time to count. Tonight, the TV news will tell us how much we robbed from the bank!"

This is called "Experience.” Nowadays, experience is more important than paper qualifications!
After the robbers had left, the bank manager told the bank supervisor to call the police quickly. But the supervisor said to him: "Wait! Let us take out $10 million from the bank for ourselves and add it to the $70 million that we have previously embezzled from the bank”.

This is called "Swim with the tide.” Converting an unfavourable situation to your advantage!
The supervisor says: "It will be good if there is a robbery every month."

This is called "Killing Boredom.” Personal Happiness is more important than your job.
The next day, the TV news reported that $100 million was taken from the bank. The robbers counted and counted and counted, but they could only count $20 million.

The robbers were very angry and complained: "We risked our lives and only took $20 million. The bank manager took $80 million with a snap of his fingers. It looks like it is better to be educated than to be a thief!"

This is called "Knowledge is worth as much as gold!"
The bank manager was smiling and happy because his losses in the share market are now covered by this robbery.

This is called "Seizing the opportunity.” Daring to take risks!
So who are the real robbers here?
_________________________________________________

“There was a robbery at Akpos’ neighbour’s house and he called 911
Next thing he heard was:

Welcome to 911 Emergency service, for English press 1, for Afrikaans press 2, for IsiZulu press 3, for Tshivenda press 4,

Akpos pressed 1, and another voice came up..

For car accident press 1,for armed robbery press 2, to end this call please hang up….
He pressed 2, and another voice came up….

If they’re with knives press 1, pistols press 2, AK47 press 3, machine guns press 4, bombs press 5, all of the above press 6…

Akpos checked and saw that the armed robbers were with all of them, so he pressed 6… then a voice came up saying….

“Hmmmm…! My friend, if your brother was a policeman, will you let him go?”
_________________________________________________

Robbery Jokes One Liners

Two Chinese men break into a distillery...One turns to the other and says, "Is it whiskey?"
He says."Yes, but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank."
_________________________________________________

Wednesday, 13 July 2016

Funny Jokes On Laziness/Being Lazy With Quotes,One Liners,Sayings

funny laziness jokes

Funny Definations:
1.Laziness?
Asking lift for morning walk.

2.Craziness?
Get blank paper xerox.

3.Honesty?
Pregnant women taking 2 tickets.

4.Dehydration?
Cow giving milk powder.

5.Fashion?
Lungi with a zip.

6.Hope?
A 99 yr old women purchasing a life time sim card.
____________________________________________________

Funny Lazy Quotes And Sayings

What is Ultra laziness. ??
"Sleeping and dreaming." 
and 
"In
dream also sleeping"
____________________________________________________

Laziness is the mother of all bad habbits but ultimately she is a MOTHER and we should respect her.
____________________________________________________

Laziness Humor

Girlzz Laziness in winter morning!!
.
.
.
stand in front of mirror with 1 glass
of water..
& throw water on d mirror & say
"chalo. ..Nahaa liye..(let's go now...I just had shower)
____________________________________________________

Mornings = Laziness. Afternoon = Dying for a rest. Night = Can't sleep.
____________________________________________________

DEFINITION OF LAZINESS:

Its a talent of taking rest before you get tired because prevention is better than cure. :D

Be lazy., think crazy.!
____________________________________________________

chacha nehru : Laziness is the worst enemy
but
Gandhi Ji : Love Your Enemy

Whom to listen to Nehru or Gandhi???
____________________________________________________

HIGHT OF LAZINESS

THIEF 1 : LETS COUNT THE MONEY WE'VE STOLEN TODAY

THIEF 2 : I'M SO TIRED.... WE WIL JUST SEE IT TOMORROW IN THE NEWSPAPER
____________________________________________________

If there was an Award for "Laziness", I'd probably send someone to pick it up for me.
____________________________________________________

Laziness rocks:
Boy:mom, pls giv me a glass of water,

mom: u come & drink.
Boy: pls mom.

Mom: if u repeat, i'll slap u.
Boy: wen u come to slap me, bring the water
____________________________________________________

HEIGHT OF LAZINESS : . . . A naked man sleeping on top of a naked woman, expecting an earthquake to do the rest
____________________________________________________

REAL LAZINESS
In an English exam. There's an essay writing.
The title was "What is laziness?"
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
santa left 3 pages blank and wrote in the end - THIS IS LAZINESS.
____________________________________________________

A Funny Act Of Laziness Shared On Quora-

Geological mapping involves walking around to every nook and cranny in your area, collecting samples, identifying them, putting them in a spatial and temporal context using GPS and detailed sketches drawn on-site. It's a pretty arduous process.

On the last day of a 10-day mapping trips, both me and my partner got up fairly tired. We still had one steep hill left to map out, a couple hundred m². Couldn't be bothered, so we just concocted a makeshift telephoto lens, 

went to a grassy knoll with a clear view of the hillface, and took a high-res picture of it. Then we had an 8-hour picnic in the clear sunshine and cool 25°C weather, with sandwiches I stole from the youth hostel breakfast and three bottles of white wine she bought, 

listening to the birds singing and laughing at the suckers who are actually working. The mapping was done over dinner at the hostel, using the plants as proxies for the geology underneath.

It worked. Except that the other side of the hill was different, since that hill had some fault line in the center that was apparently the most important feature of our area.
____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________

Tuesday, 12 July 2016

Funny Jokes On Infosys + Infosys Interview Jokes And Lot More For You ;)

funny infosys jokes

Infosys employee freed from the hostage in Sydney, Australia.
Updated his resume : "Negotiated with terrorists while onsite
_______________________________________________

Meanwhile Satya Nadella returns to Hyderabad. The neighbourhood aunty meets him.

Aunty- So Satya what are you doing these days?
Nadella - Well I just became the CEO of Microsoft.

Aunty - Oh so you still working there. Didn't you apply to Infosys?
Nadella - Ah! What?

Aunty - Don't worry. Hamara beta waha team leader hai, kaho to recommendation de du?

Nadella - F*ck Me
_______________________________________________
HOW TO KILL A LION (Corporate Edition)
----------------------------------------------

Infosys Method:

• Hire a lion
• Send him for training in Mysore and make him feel like the KING OF THE JUNGLE.
• Make him take a ‘Generic Compree Exam’…………LION TURNS INTO CAT.
• Make him take a ‘Stream Compree Exam’…………CAT TURNS INTO A MOUSE.
• Send him into production which has nothing to do with what he was trained for.
• Mouse runs here and there for help!!
• Send him mails telling about mandatory certifications.
• Mouse commits suicide.

TCS method:

• Hire a lion.
• Give him a hell lot of work and pay him government salary.
• Lion dies of hunger and frustration

IBM method:

• Hire a lion.
• Give him a pink slip in an hour.
• Lion dies of unemployment.

Wipro Method:

• Hire a Lion
• Give him a mail id.
• Lion dies receiving stupid mails all day!!

HCL Method:

• Hire a lion.
• Ask him to stay for late nights but give him no work to do.
• Give him Gobi65 to eat again and again.
• Hire 100 more lions but do not increase the space to sit.
• Give them same Gobi65 to eat.
• Hire 200 more……. and more …….
• All of them dies of suffocation.

Accenture Method:

• Hire a lion.
• Send him to Chennai, India.
• Ask him to stay on bench for a long time.
• Ask him to eat idli, Dosa and Vada.
• No Hindi, Kannada or no other languages speaking people other than TAMIL.
• No good food, No water.
• Tell him “Go Ahead be a Tiger”.
• Lion dies in confusion... he is a lion or a Tiger!!

Cognizant Method:

• Hire few lions.
• Make them to wait for more than one year for joining.
• Send lions from Hyd to Chennai and lions from Chennai to Hyd.
• Train the lions on Java/Dot net and ask them to join testing team.
• Give lectures on “Lions First” and ask them buy books on “Lions First”.
• Relocate the lions from one jungle to another jumgle and tell them you are to going a better jungle.
• Send old lions to African jungles (Onsite) and never rotate them to Indian jungles.
• Old lions at Africa becomes king of the jungle.
• Indian jungle lions becomes frustrated waiting for onsite and eventually joins any of the above jungles (TCS, IBM, Accenture etc)
• Lion dies according to reasons appropriate for above mentioned jungles (TCS, IBM, Accenture etc)
____________________________________________________

Infosys Interview Jokes

Interviewer : Tell me about yourself.
Candidate: I ...am Rameshwar Kulkarni. I did my Tele Communication engineering from BabanRao Dhole-Patil Institute of Technology.

Interviewer : BabanRao Dhole-Patil Inst it ute of Technology? I had never heard of this college before!
Candidate : Great! Even I had not heard of it before getting an admission into it ..
What happened is – due to cricket world cup I scored badly! in 12th.I was getting a paid seat in a good college. But my father said (I prefer to call him ‘baap’) – “I cannot invest so much of money”. (The baap actually said – “I will never waste so much of money on you”). So I had to join this college. Frankly speaking this name – BabanRao Dhole-Patil, can at the most be related to a Shetakari Mahavidyalaya

Interviewer: ok, ok. It seems you have taken 6 years to complete your engineering.
Candidate : Actually I tried my best to finish it in 4 years. But you know, these cricket matches and football world cup, and tennis tournaments. It is difficult to concentrate. So I flunked in 2nd and 3rd year. So in all I took 4 + 2 = 7 years.

Interviewer: But 4+2 is 6.
Candidate: Oh, is it ? You know I always had KT in maths. But I will try to keep this in mind. 4+2 is 6, good, thanks. These cricket matches really affect exams a lot.. I think they should ban it .

Interviewer : Good to know that you want cricket matches to be banned.
Candidate : No, no… I am talking about Exams!!

Interviewer: Ok, What is your biggest achievement in life?
Candidate : Obviously, completing my Engineering. My mom never thought I would complete it . In fact, when I flunked in 3rd year, she was looking for a job for me in BEST (Bus corporation in Maharashtra ) through some relative.

Interviewer : Do you have any plans of higher study?
Candidate: he he he.. Are you kidding? Completing ‘lower’ education it self was so much of pain!!

Interviewer : Let’s talk about technical stuff. On which platforms have you worked?
Candidate : Well, I work at SEEPZ, so you can say Andheri is my current platforms. Earlier I was at Vashi center. So Vashi was my platform then. As you can see I have experience of different platforms! (Vashi and Andheri are the places in Mumbai)

Interviewer : And which languages have you used?
Candidate : Marathi, Hindi, English. By the way, I can keep quiet in German, French, Russian and many other languages.

Interviewer: Why VC is better than VB?
Candidate : It is a common sense – C comes after B. So VC is a higher version than VB. I heard very soon they are coming up w it h a new language VD!

Interviewer: Do you know anything about Assembly Language?
Candidate: Well, I have not heard of it . But I guess, this is the language our ministers and MPs use in assembly.

Interviewer : What is your general project experience?
Candidate : My general experience about projects is – most of the times they are in pipeline!

Interviewer: Can you tell me about your current job?
Candidate: Sure, Currently I am working for Bata Info Tech ltd. Since joining BIL, I am on Bench. Before joining BIL, I used to think that Bench was another software like Windows.

Interviewer : Do you have any project management experience?
Candidate: No, but I guess it shouldn’t be difficult. I know Word and Excel. I can talk a lot. I know how to dial for International phone call and use speaker facility. And very important – I know few words like – ‘Showstoppers ‘ , ‘hot fixes’, ‘SEI-CMM’, ‘quality’, ‘version control’, ‘deadlines’ , ‘Customer Satisfaction’ etc. Also I can blame others for my mistakes!

Interviewer: What are your expectations from our company?
Candidate : Not much.
1. I should at least get 40,000 in hand..
2. I would like to work on a live EJB project. But it should not have deadlines. I personally feel that pressure affects natural talent.
3. I believe in flexi-timings.
4. Dress Code is against basic freedom, so I would like to wear t-shirt and jeans.
5. We must have sat-sun off. I will suggest Wednesday off also, so as to avoid breakdown due to overwork.
6. I would like to go abroad 3 times a year on short term preferably 1-2 months) assignments. Personally I prefer US, Australia and Europe. But considering the fact that there are Olympics coming up in China in the current year, I don’t mind going there in that period. As you can see I am modest and don’t have many expectations. So can I assume my selection?

Interviewer : he he he ha ha ha. Thanks for your interest in our
organization. In fact I was never entertained so much before. Welcome to INFOSYS.

The fellow was appointed in a newly created section ‘Stress Management’ in the HRD of Infosys.

So Excellence is not the only thing Needed. Its the Unique Quality of a Person which can let anyone to Success. Work on Your own Field rather then following somebody else's Path
____________________________________________________

____________________________________________________

Laila Majnu Funny Jokes & Shayari - Don't Miss This ;)

laila majnu funny jokes shayari

Majnu ki kismat jaag gai. Laila se pyar karke majnu ki kismat jaag gai. 
Majnu ne itna Love Letter post kiye ki Laila "POSTMAN" k sath bhag gayi...!
________________________________________________
Majnu ko laila ka sms nhi aiya..
.
.
Majnu ne 3 Din se khana nhi khaya..
.
.
Majnu mrne wala tha laila ke pyar mai..
.
.
Aur laila bethi thi sms free hone ke intezar mai
________________________________________________

Dunia k best lover kon he?
.
.
.
Laila-majnu
.
.
No
.
.
.
Heer-ranjha
.
.
No
.
Dunia k best lover he
.
Cigrate-matchis
.
Cigrate ko jalane k liye matchis khud ko jala deti he aur fir matchis ki yad me cigrate khud ko jala deta hai.
________________________________________________

Teacher: Akbar kaun tha....??

Student: Akbar gay tha.!!

Teacher: How..???

Student: Sabne suna hai...

Laila - Majnu

Heer - Ranjha

Adam - Eve

Sohni - Mahiwal

Mirza - Sahiba
&
Only...
Akbar - Birbal..!! DOSTANA
________________________________________________

Ek din majnu ne laila ke ghar ke samne pishap kiya to lailaa ne pucha ke tum ne aisaa kyon keya to 
majnu ne bola ke teray pyaar me itna dard mila hai ke ansoon bhi apna rasta bhool gaye
________________________________________________

Laila Ne Majnu Ko Ek Ped Ke Pichhe Dekha Aur Boli.
.
Laila: “ Tum Majnu Ho Na?
”Majnu Bola: “ Haan ”
Phir Kuch Deir Baad Use Jhadiyo Ke Piche Dekha To Boli.
.
Laila: “ Tum Majnu Ho Na?
”Majnu Bola: “ Haan, Main Majnu Hoon ”
.
.
.Phir Kuch Deir Baad Use Diwaar Ke Pichhe Dekha Aur Kaha.
.
.
.Laila: “ Tum Majnu Ho Na? 
.
.
.”Majnu Bola: “ Haan-Haan, Kamini Main Majnu Hi Hoon, Tu Mujhe potty Karne Degi Ya Nahi “
________________________________________________

Lady doctor pagal patient se:
Mera Dupatta Utaro
.
.
Pagal :
Ok
.
.
Ldy doc:
Ab Meri kameez Utaro
Pagal:
Ok
.
.
.
Lady doc:
Ab jaldi se Meri Shalwar bi utaro
Pagal:
Ok
.
.
.
Lady doc:
Or Ainda Kabhi
Mere Kapre Na PehnNa Ok.
.
.
.
Aj phir
Ap ki Soch ko 21 topon ki Salami.
________________________________________________

Laila, Majnu film agar HYD mein Banti toh Uske Dialogs kuch istarha se hote:

Galli wale “Qaiz” urf (Majnu) ku Joote, Chapla,Gunse Lataon se Derain Pansliyon mein Ghipa Ghip, Ghipa Ghip..

Dan Laila strt sing a song: Koi Jooton se… haaaan Koi Jooton se Chaplaon se Na peete mere Aaaashiq ko, Maal Hazir haiiiii, Ooooo, Maal Hazir hai Mohabbat ki saza Pa ne ko….. 
Koi Jute Chaplao se Gunse Lataon se Na Peet mere Aaaashiq ko…

In Crowd 1 Admi dusre Admin se: Kaiku toh B Maarrai yaro isku itta lida lida k???
Dusra Admi: Enech hai wo Laila ka Ashiq kate... jao tum B thode haata Paira khollo is k uppar….

After finish Dhulai Majnu said to Laila: Abbaaaaa, Mere Allah Miyaaaaa, Ammaaaaaa G…. Agay Meku kya malum tha gay tumhare galli mein Pehalwana hai so...Koi Jagah Baqi nai rakhe Dawa nai laga ne k liye…. isse toh Dhobi acche dohta kapde dho deta tha.
________________________________________________

Budha Budhi Ki Kahani
1 budha aya

7 me 1 budhiya ko laya
Hotel me ja k waiter ko bulaya

Dono ne apna-apna order mangaya
Pehle budhe ne khaya

budhiya ne pankha hilaya
Fir budhiya ne khaya

budhe ne pankha hilaya
Ye dekh k Waiter sharmaya or usne farmaya
Ai Laila Majnu k Maa Baap

Tum dono me itna pyar hai to khana 1 sath Q nhi khaya?
Is par budhe ne farmaya
Beta tera sawal to nek hai

Par hmare pas Daanto ka set sirf ek hai..
Kahani ki hoti hai The End
________________________________________________

Most Funny Keyboard Jokes+Quotes,One Liners And Much More

funny keyboard jokes



There's A Faggit In Ur Keyboard Between "Y" And "I"
_________________________________________________
Ek 5th class ka bacha Bill Gates ko letter likhta h Sir, Mujhe Kuch Sawal Poochne Hai

1. Keyboard K Letters Sahi Jaga Nahi Hen,
Keyboard Ka Sahi Version Kab Ayega.....??

2. Windows Main START Ka Button Hai, STOP Ka Nahi

3. Hum Ms-Word Use Karte Hen,Mr- Word Kab Release Hoga....??

4. Keyboard Main ANY KEY Ka Button Nahi to Computer Q Maangta Hai....??
Aakhir Main ek Zati Sawal

5. Aap Ka Naam GATES Hai To Aap WINDOWS Q Banatay Hai...??
_________________________________________________
Just Dropped My Keyboard On The Floor & Found That It Had Typed Out Something Far More Intelligent Than The Script Of BESHARAM.
_________________________________________________

Q. How does a keyboard abuse CPU? .
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ans : Sala Madarboard..
_________________________________________________

PéöPLë wHõ týPê LïKë tHî§
Bhai, Aapka Keyboard Kharab Hai Ya Bachpan Se Hi Ch*tiye Ho?
_________________________________________________

Alia left bollywood and joined new job. 1st day she worked till late evening on the computer. Her Boss was very happy and asked what you did till evening.

Alia : Keyboard alphabets were not in order, so I made it alright.
_________________________________________________

Sunday, 3 July 2016

Here Are Top 8 Most Funny Jokes On Kurkure

funny jokes on kurkure

Diwali Se Agle Din 3 Dost Aapas Mein Baatein Kar Rahe The

Pahla: “ Mere Papa Kal 5000 Rupaye Ke Patake Laye, MaineAur Mere Bhai Se 2 Gante Tak Bajaye ”

Doosra: “ Mere Papa Kal 7000 Rupaye Ke Patake Laye, Hum Sabne Milkar 4 Gante Tak Bajaye ”

Teesra Kaminepan Se Muskurate Hue: “ Mere Papa Kal Ghar ParNahi The, Mera Bhai 10000 Rupaye Ka Ek Hi Pataka Laya, Aur Sari Rat Sab Ne Milke Bajaya “ :D

Samajdar thoko like
bacche lOg kurkure khayO..mOj manaoO
____________________________________________________

Santa-Aapko pta hai kurkure khane se kya hota hai?
Socho...

Socho...

Socho...

Banta-pta nahi,
Santa-very simple kurkure khatam ho jata hai.
____________________________________________________

Cheetos aur kurkure yeh snaks namkeen hai...wah wah...Cheetos aur kurkure yeh snaks namkeen hai......Don ko pakadna mushkil hi nahin, naamumkin hai
____________________________________________________

Lady teacher:- bachcho batao kurkure ki ad humesa ladki hi kyu karti hai.?
...
Student: kyuki koi bhi mard sari dunia k samne nahi bolega
...
"Teda hai par mera hai.
____________________________________________________

Aadmi seedha hona chahiye tedha toh kurkure bhi hota hai
____________________________________________________

Ladki siddhi Honi chahiye tedha toh kurkure Bhi hote hai
____________________________________________________

Party k menu mein Kurkure aur Lays hai..
wah wah..
Party k menu mein Kurkure aur Lays hai..
...
ACP ne kaha - "Abhijeet, shayad ye kidnapping
ka case hai!!"
__________________________________________

Kabhi Aap Hamare Ghar Mehman Banke Aana,
Hum Aapko-Cold drinks,
-Kurkure,
-Besan K Laddu,
-PaniPuri,
-Samose,
-Gulab Jamun,
.
.
-Ice Cream
!
!
!
Ki
Photo-Dikhayenge.!
__________________________________________
__________________________________________

Saturday, 2 July 2016

7+ Funny Hippo Jokes,Hilarious Quotes With Pictures-Click To Laugh

funny hippo jokes

Bunch of jokes on hippopotamus,funny hippo quotes,one liners,pictures

A Cherokee Indian chief had 3 wives all of whom were pregnant.

When the first squaw gave birth to a boy, the chief was elated and built them a teepee made of buffalo hide.

The second squaw also gave birth to a boy a few days later. The chief was extremely and built them a teepee of antelope hide.

Soon, the third squaw gave birth, but the chief kept the birth details secret. He built thema teepee of hippopotamus hide [I know there are no hippopotami in North America,but just go with it.] He challenged the people of his tribe to guess the latest birth details, and whomever was right would win a fine prize.Many attempted but failed to guess the details.

Finally, a young brave came forth and declared that the third squaw had had twins.

"That's correct" aid the chief."How did you know?"

"Simple, " aid the brave. "The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."
funny hippo quotes
_____________________________________________________
Why don’t you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees? Because they’re really good at it.
_____________________________________________________

Where do you find hippopotamus's? Right where you left them
_____________________________________________________

A tribe of Native Americans generally referred to their woman by the animal hide with which they made their blanket. Thus, one woman might be known as Squaw of Buffalo Hide, while another might be known as Squaw of Deer Hide. 

This tribe had a particularly large and strong woman, with a very unique (for North America anyway) animal hide for her blanket. This woman was known as Squaw of Hippopotamus hide, and she was as large and powerful as the animal from which her blanket was made.

Year after year, this woman entered the tribal wrestling tournament, and easily defeated all challengers; male or female. As the men of the tribe admired her strength and power, this made many of the other women of the tribe extremely jealous.

One year, two of the squaws petitioned the Chief to allow them to enter their sons together as a wrestling tandem in order to wrestle Squaw of the Hippopotamus hide as a team. In this way, they hoped to see that she would no longer be champion wrestler of the tribe.

As the luck of the draw would have it, the two sons who were wrestling as a tandem met the squaw in the final and championship round of the wrestling contest. As the match began, it became clear that the squaw had finally met an opponent that was her equal. 

The two sons wrestled and struggled vigorously and were clearly on an equal footing with the powerful squaw. Their match lasted for hours without a clear victor. Finally the chief intervened and declared that, in the interests of the health and safety of the wrestlers, the match was to be terminated and that he would declare a winner.

The chief retired to his teepee and contemplated the great struggle he had witnessed, and found it extremely difficult to decide a winner. While the two young men had clearly outmatched the squaw, he found it difficult to force the squaw to relinquish her tribal championship. 

After all, it had taken two young men to finally provide her with a decent match. Finally, after much deliberation, the chief came out from his teepee, and announced his decision. He said...
"The Squaw of the Hippopotamus hide is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."
_____________________________________________________

Q: What's a hippos favourite kind of music? A: Hip-hop
_____________________________________________________

A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a hippo sitting next to him.
"Are you a hippo?" asks the man, surprised.
"Yes."

"What are you doing at the movies?"
The hippopotamus replies, "Well, I liked the book."
_____________________________________________________

Friday, 1 July 2016

Hilarious Farewell Jokes,Farewell Party Puns,Speech,Funny Farewell Emails To Colleagues

Farewell Jokes With Funny Farewell Speech 

3 stages of Engineering: 1) Freshers Party 2) Yeh kya chutiyapa chal raha hai BC 3) Farewell Party


farewell jokes

Funny Farewell Party Jokes

____________________________________________________

People- "Leaving facebook, deactivating it..miss you guys "
.
Okay to hume kyu bta rha hai????
Hum farewell party de kya ab tumhe
____________________________________________________

To my friends. If i come to Know that I would DIE soon, I'll HIDE it from U till I DIE........Because U IDIOTS will ASK FAREWELL PARTY 4 that ALSO.
____________________________________________________

funny farewell speeches

This parish priest was given a transfer and the village organised a farewell party 4 him be4 he could leave.
As everyone enjoyed the party, he sumorned them to assemble so he could give his speech, he started:

My dear brethren, its been a pleasure to work with u this long, when I first came here, the first person to confess gave me an impression that I had encountered a land of sinners,

he told me he had been a thief, rapist of both women and children, cows, goats and pigs inclussive, bt am glad that all of u have changed and th number of followers has increased. May God bless u abandantly!

Meanwhile this MP who arrived late walked in and was late 4 his speech...

Clearing his throat, he started:
ladies and gentlemen, thank u, thank u 4 coming, when father had just arrived here, he really changed my life, I was the first person 2 confesss.
____________________________________________________

funny questions asked at farewell party

  • Who was that chic who used to visit your office every week and left with a smudged lipstick?
  • Was it you who used to eat out the sandwiches out of my lunchbox?
  • How many times did you lie to the boss about being late to work due to traffic or went on a holiday citing "medical issues"?
  • Who was that girl who dumped you because she thought your boss was grumpy?
  • Do you even deserve the pension they'll give you?
  • Was your batch the one which decided to urinate outside the Principal's office?
  • Was your batch the one who was made to strip during their ragging?
____________________________________________________

I believe this is the most intelligent farewell email I have ever seen

After ___[1]___, I have decided to leave XXXX in order to ___[2]___. While this was not an easy decision for me, ___[3]___. I have ___[4]___ my time here and will___[5]___. XXXX has been ___[6]___ and I will always ___[7]___. I look forward to___[8]___ and wish you all ___[9]___. Until ___[10]___, I bid you all adieu.


[1]
a. thoughtful consideration
b. the flip of an “Arkansas – Jewel of the Ozarks” commemorative quarter
c. years of searching for a way out
d. a couple shots of Wild Turkey
e. recovering from my bout of amnesia and remembering I never went to law school

[2]
a. accept an in-house position
b. pursue an acting career – look for me next season on “Saved by the Bell-the Prison Years” as Zach, the all-American boy next door turned crack dealer turned prison ho
c. abandon my alter-ego and devote all my time to my super hero duties
d. live off the generosity of others (i.e. Tina)
e. be able to sleep at night

[3]
a. I feel it is the right one
b. the Magic Eight Ball is never wrong
c. it wasn’t exactly rocket science either
d. it was easier than hanging around until somebody realized I wasn’t doing anything
e. stock options are hard to resist


[4]
a. thoroughly enjoyed
b. cautiously endured
c. already forgotten most of
d. surfed the internet a lot during
e. miraculously survived

[5]
a. miss all of you I have come to know
b. never look back
c. remember the little people I crawled over on my way to the top
d. miss the free booze
e. eagerly await the tears of sorrow when you hear I am leaving


[6]
a. a great place to learn the practice of law from some of the best
b. very punctual with my pay checks
c. a benevolent master to this flying monkey
d. by far the best law firm I’ve ever worked for
e. the source of my indigestion

[7]
a. value my experience here
b. be thankful I wasn’t sued for malpractice
c. keep garlic and a crucifix nearby
d. think back fondly when using my frequent flyer miles
e. believe the children are our future


[8]
a. working with many of you in the future
b. getting out of here alive
c. retirement
d. the next episode of The Apprentice
e. being the client (wa-ha-ha-ha)
[9]
a. the best of luck in your future endeavors
b. had gotten me a going away gift
c. would kiss my a**
d. were coming with me
e. could appreciate how funny this memo is

[10]
a. our paths cross again
b. I get fired and come begging for my job back
c. hell freezes over
d. the next firm-sponsored event with an open bar
e. I need a competent lawyer to fix something I’ve screwed up
____________________________________________________

This is a funny JP Morgan employee's farewell letter...

Dear Co-Workers and Managers,

As many of you probably know, today is my last day. But before I leave, I wanted to take this opportunity to let you know what a great and distinct pleasure it has been to type "Today is my last day."

For nearly as long as I've worked here, I've hoped that I might one day leave this company. And now that this dream has become a reality, please know that I could not have reached this goal without your unending lack of support. Words cannot express my gratitude for the words of gratitude you did not express.

I would especially like to thank all of my managers both past and present but with the exception of the wonderful Saroj Har******ad: in an age where miscommunication is all too common, you consistently impressed and inspired me with the sheer magnitude ofyour misinformation, ignorance and intolerance for true talent. It takes a strong man to admit his mistake - it takes a stronger man to attribute his mistake to me.

Over the pas tseven years, you have taught me more than I could ever ask for and, in most cases, ever did ask for. I have been fortunate enough to work with some absolutely interchangeable supervisors on a wide variety of seemingly identical projects - an invaluable lesson in overcoming daily tedium in overcoming daily tedium in overcoming daily tedium.

Your demands were high and your patience short, but I take great solace knowing that my work was,as stated on my annual review, "meets expectation." That is the type of praise that sends a man home happy after a 10 hour day, smiling his way through half a bottle of meets expectation scotch with a meets expectation cigar. Thanks Trish!

And to most of mypeers: even though we barely acknowledged each other within these office walls,I hope that in the future, should we pass on the street, you will regard me thesame way as I regard you: sans eye contact.

But to those fewsouls with whom I've actually interacted, here are my personalized notes offarewell:

To Philip C***s, Iwill not miss hearing you cry over absolutely nothing while laying blame on meand my coworkers. Your racial comments about Joe Co****ah were truly offensiveand I hope that one day you might gain the strength to apologize to him.

To Brenda A***ywhom is long gone, I hope you find a manager that treats you as poorly as youhave treated us. I worked harder for you then any manager in my career and Iregret every ounce of it. Watching you take credit for my work was trulydemoralizing.

To Sylvia K***an,you should learn how to keep your mouth shut sweet heart. Bad mouthing theinnocent is a negative thing, especially when your talking about someone whoknows your disgusting secrets. ; )

To Bob M****n (Mr.Cronyism Jr), well, I wish you had more of a back bone. You threw me to thewolves with that witch Brenda and I learned all too much from it. I still can'tbelieve that after following your instructions, I ended up getting written up,wow. Thanks for the experience buddy, lesson learned.

Don Me****t (Mr.Cronyism Sr), I'm happy that you were let go in the same manner that you havehanded down to my dedicated coworkers. Hearing you on the phone last year bragabout how great bonuses were going to be for you fellas in upper management becauseall of the lay offs made me nearly vomit. I never expected to see managementbenefit financially from the suffering of scores of people but then again, withthis company's rooted history in the slave trade it only makes sense.

To all of theexecutives of this company, Jamie D***n and such. Despite working throughcountless managers that practiced unethical behavior, racism, sexism, jealousyand cronyism, I have benefited tremendously by working here and I truly thankyou for that. There was once a time where hard work was rewarded andacknowledged, it's a pity that all of our positive output now falls on deafears and passes blind eyes.

My advice for you is to place yourself closer tothe pulse of this company and enjoy the effort and dedication of us"faceless little people" more. There are many great people that arebeing over worked and mistreated but yet are still loyal not to those who abusethem but to the greater mission of providing excellent customer support. Findthem and embrace them as they will help battle the cancerous plague that isravishing the moral of this company.

So, in parting, ifI could pass on any word of advice to the lower salary recipient ("becauseit's good for the company") in India or Tampa who will soon be filling myposition, it would be to cherish this experience because a job opportunity likethis comes along only once in a lifetime.

Meaning: if I hadto work here again in this lifetime, I would sooner kill myself.

To those who Ihave held a great relationship with, I will miss being your co-worker and willcherish our history together. Please don't bother responding as at this verymoment I am most likely in my car doing 85 with the windows down listening toBiggie.

One!
____________________________________________________


funny farewell email for coworkers/funny farewell message to colleagues

  1. Start working at work in your new company.
  2. I hope that both sides of your pillow are cold.
  3. I hope your biscuit drowns in your tea and the second biscuit on the rescue mission also drowns.
  4. Get a girl/guy.
  5. I am glad you're leaving.
  6. Bitch, better have my money.
  7. See you around at some island, probably in a two piece.
  8. Finally, I am rid of your farts.
____________________________________________________

SOP(Product implemtation date): date

VIN(Its unique number given to Vehicle): your Employee no

Reason for dispatch: Your reason to leave

A piece of metal entering a factory does not know what its fate will be. Will it be part of an aircraft or rust away & become unusable. I joined XXXX. As the days passed by I have been polished & shaped by my HOD & mentors.

All of you have supported me throughout this transformation. Thank you all for not letting me rust away in a corner.

Wish you all the luck for your future endeavors.

Hope our paths cross & we meet again in future. And if you don’t believe in the concept of “Hope” I am available a mail or phone call away.
____________________________________________________

Disclaimer:The content of the mail represent emotion towards a few people and not the whole organization.

I cannot express how totally elated,ecstatic,euphoric( add a few more synonyms from the GRE word list, use barron’s :P) I feel while writing this mail! After a futile google search on “How to write a diplomatic farewell mail” and still failing to do that mundane task, I finally have the opportunity to write the TRUE EXACT feelings of how my tenure at (Org Name) was!

It has been a bittersweet journey but as the human brain handles negative and positive input differently, psychologists say, which is why memories of unpleasant experiences seem indelible…..

As like almost all of you , I joined (Org Name) as a fresher and I must say I have evolved so much professionally! Thanks to the following people:

1. Who thought it’s a great idea not to share their knowledge and let the other person struggle! - (The Team Players)

2. Who know how to delegate their work just to test Myntra, Jabong etc etc! (The Leaders)

3. Who know how to push tasks to other’s basket, ‘smartly’ (The WorkHorse)

4. Who know how to dominate others and influence them just by what they say.(Mr/Ms Right)

5. The credit thieves!!!(The Achievers)

It’s because of them that I see a dramatic change in myself. I feel grateful to have worked with the above species early in my career. As it is said..the sooner the better ;)

Sweet memories have always been mostly during the following phases, and you are a part of the mail because I have had atleast one of the below memories with you guys :) :)

1. Lunch time and laughter sessions!

2. Counseling sessions by a few genuine seniors

3. Testing Townhall preparations

4. Interacting with freshers of following years

5. Rolls king, pizza hut, ancient barbeque, barbeque nation

6. Choreographing and dancing in flashmobs, moments(annual day of sorts), mother’s day and where not!

7. Photo sessions and Video sessions

Do you realize how totally professional I have become! An informal mail is also well organized and structured :P. Thanks to one of my “Goals” in my 1st Performance Review (Trust me this was my only goal)

But (Cliched alert)there comes a time when one has to realign priorities and move ahead. It has been a tough deal, but a conscious one... I am quite excited to step in a challenging phase in my career, however need not to say, what I am leaving behind is also precious.

You all would be missed thoroughly! Thanks for everything and all the best!!!
____________________________________________________

It's so funny when people use the "I'm unfollowing" speech. Bitch what you want? A farewell party? Just leave quietly like your edges did. BYE!
____________________________________________________