Tuesday, 28 June 2016

Funny Jokes On NASA With Witty Quotes,Memes-Click To Laugh

funny nasa jokes

Breaking News:- NASA CLOSED !!! . . . Rajnikant bought all the rockets for Diwali
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When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem,

NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C.

The Russians used a pencil.
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Nasa Mars Mission was interviewing professionals. they were planning on sending to Mars.
The touchy part was that only one person could go and it would be a one way trip, the person would never return to earth.

The interviewer asked the first applicant, An engineer, how much he wanted to be paid for going.
"One million dollar," the engineer answered. And i want to donate it all to the poor.

The next applicant was a doctor, and the interviewer asked him the same question.
"Two million dollars," the doctor said. "i want to give a million dollar to my family and leave the other one million dollar for the advancement of medical research."

The last applicant was Akpors a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewers ear, "three million dollars."

Why so much money more than the others? The interviewer asked.

Akpors replied, "if you give me three millions dollars, i will give you one million dollars, i will keep a million dollars, and we will send the engineer with a million dollars.
One word for Akpors
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Sunday, 26 June 2016

School Admission Jokes,Hospital Admission Jokes With Funny Pictures

admission jokes

Best collection of school admission jokes,hospital admission jokes with witty quotes and one liners

SCHOOL ME ADMISSION KE LIYE INTERVIEW...

TEACHER : BETA AAPKE PAPA KYA KARTE HAI ,

BOY : JO MUMMY BOLTI HAI.
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Tortoise and a Rabbit wrote an entrance exam, Tortoise got 80%, Rabbit got 81%.

Both went 4 admission to an engineering college,

Cut off needed was 85%.

Rabbit didn't get admission but the tortoise got admission.

How?

U remember when we were in the 1st std the tortoise won a race.

Sports quota 5% marks extra
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A girl was with her father when she saw her boyfriend coming

GIRL: Have you come to collect your book titled "DADDY IS AT HOME?" by Ngozi Okafor

BOY: No, I want that your hymn book called "WHERE SHOULD I WAIT FOR YOU?"

GIRL: I don't have that one but maybe you should take the other one titled "UNDER THE MANGO TREE" by Chimamanda Adichie

BOY: Fine, but don't forget to bring "I WILL CALL YOU IN 5 MINUTES" while coming to school

GIRL: I will also bring you a new one too titled"I WON'T LET YOU DOWN" by Chinua Achebe Then;

DAD: Those books are too many, will he read them all

GIRL: Yes dad, he is very smart & intelligent

DAD: Okay don't forget to give him the one on the table titled "I AM NOT STUPID, I UNDERSTOOD EVERYTHING YOU'VE BEEN SAYING" by Shakespeare! And also the one on the dinning table titled "IF YOU GET PREGNANT PREPARE TO GET MARRIED"
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A Diploma Student :
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Mai Maths 3 Mai Top Karunga
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A Pakistani boy took admission in an American school ...

Teacher : Whats your name ?

Boy : Nadir

Teacher : No, now you are in America, your name is Johnny from
today.

Boy went home and mom asked: How was the day Nadir?

Boy : I am an American now, call me Johnny.

Mom and Dad both got offended and beat him up.
Next day he was back to school all bruised ...

Teacher : What happened Johnny ?

Boy: Ma'm, just 6 hours after I became American, I was attacked by two Pakistani terrorists
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A Christian, a Muslim and a Buddhist die and arrive at the Gate of Heaven. An Angel (or deva) stops them and asks, "Why do you come here? Can you tell me the reasons why you are allowed to enter Heaven?"

The Christian replies, "My ancestor disobeyed God, and I sinned all my life: I killed, I lied, I cheated my wife and I was greedy. However, Jesus died for me and all my sins are forgiven.

So I deserved to enter Heaven." "OK," replies the Angel, "sounds good, but I must give you an entrance examination before you can enter." The Christian promptly agrees and the Angel asks him: "How to spell God?". It is an easy question and the Christian passes through the Gate.

Next came the Muslim, who says, "I had not done any good or evil things during my life but I was very devout. I prayed to God five times a day. So, I too should enter Heaven." The Angel replied, "It sounds OK to me but I have to give you a test also. How to spell Allah?" Not too bad, and the Muslim passes the test.

Finally, it is the Buddhist turn, who tells the Angel,"I had done all the good things in my life and I followed Buddha's five prescepts: I never killed, I donated to charities, I meditated every day, and I never cheated my boss nor my customers.

" The Angel replies, "that is very good, but there is no exceptions. You must pass the entrance test also in order to get in." Thinking that the test should be simple, he agrees to take the test. The Angel then asks him: "How to spell Avalokitesvara Bodhisattva?"
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Akpos traveled to Lagos after his WAEC result was out so that his Uncle will help him get admission into the University of Lagos to study medicine and become a medical doctor….

The following conversation happened between them:

Akpos: Uncle, I learnt its difficult to get admission into the university these days except you are well connected…

Uncle: That’s true…

Akpors: Since you are connected, I came to ask you if you can help me get admission into the university after my JAMB….

Uncle: That’s true… i'm connected and I will help u….

Akpors: Thank you Uncle….

Uncle: You welcome…so how is your result, is it WAEC or NECO and how many credits did you get?

Akpors: Uncle, it’s WAEC, I had only two credits in agric and Yoruba language but I failed the rest…

Uncle: Well, that’s not bad… you can still be a doctor, not a medical doctor really but native doctor (babalawo)…
You will use your credit in agric in collecting herbs from the forest, and Yoruba language for incantations…
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Mr Akpors once hurt his arm when playing tennis.

His friend told him of this new machine at National Hospital Abuja that could diagnose any problem in a human and prescribe an appropriate remedy.

All it needed was a small sample of body fluid.

Mr Akpors, skeptical, went to test it out.

He put in some of his blood in the small container he was given and put it in the machine.

The results came out instantaneously and said,

"You have a tennis arm. Rub with ointment and soak in warm water daily."

He was genuinely impressed.

But, he thought he could trick the machine and confuse it.

He went home and mixed up different things.

He put in his dog's urine, his daughter's spit, a bit of his wife's blood (He told her it was just a test) and finally his semen.

He went back to the machine the next day and put in the mixture he'd made.

The machine was quiet for a while.

Just as Mr Akpors thought he'd won, the results came out.

"Your dog has fleas. Get a veterinary. Your daughter is taking heroin. Get her a counselor. Your wife is pregnant. And the baby's not yours. Get a lawyer. Stop masturbating or your tennis arm won't heal."

He's still on admission in at the same National Hospital after a heart attack.

get well soon Akpors... LMAO
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Thursday, 23 June 2016

Top 7 Jokes On Lecturers & Lectures Including Funny Quotes & One Liners

lecturer jokes

Enjoy loads of hilarious jokes on lecturers,jokes on lecture along with funny quotes and one liners ;)

A lecturer teaching medicine was giving a classoom observation. He took out a jar of yellow liquid. "This," he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant of color, smell, sight, and taste."

After saying so, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched in amazement, most in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped their finger into the jar and put it into their mouths.

After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my second finger into the jar and my third finger into my mouth."
___________________________________________________________

Lecturer: Which comes first, Sun or Moon?

Student: Obviously, Moon first.

Lecturer: Why ?????

Student- Only after Honey-MOON,

SON will come
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A lecturer walked into the lecture room and announced that there will be an emergency test, and he went straight to the board to write the instructions as:

1. Time is 15 minutes

2. No copying

3. No cancellation of answer

4. You can open your text book or notebook.

5. Once its 15 minutes raise your pen and walk out of your desk.

He then told the students to get set and he began to dictate the questions one after the other.

Question Number one:
List your favourite foods Immediately, students began to list. Guys were writing: Pounded yam, Rice, Fufu, Amala and Eba, while the girls went ahead to list: Hot dog, Shawarma, Pizza, etc,

The lecturer then announced the number two question:
Explain how to prepare/cook your favorite foods that you listed above? OMG! You need to see how the girls started cancelling their previous answers and changing it to: Dodo, Ewa, Moimoi, Garri, Puff Puff, Amala, Ewedu
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One morning, a lecturer entered the class and was so disappointed
to meet not even a single student.

After 30 min, the students started arriving one by one.
The angry lecturer was observing them as they enter.

After the arrival of the last student, the lecturer said
"If you know you came late and you greeted me as you pass the door, fall to the right, 10 strokes of cane for you"

"If you know you came late and you did not greet me as you pass the door, fall to the left, 2 weeks suspension."

"And don't attempt to lie because i was taking record." he added.

After the statement, a class of 20 students, 10 moved to the right while 9 moved to the left remaining only Akpos standing alone.

"Young man! are you claiming you where here before me?" asked the angry lecturer.
Akpos replied "No sir!"

"And am sure you didn't greet me"
"Yes sir! I didn't"

"Then why are you still there?" asked the lecturer.
"because i didn't fall into any category" replied Akpos "Meaning"

Akpos said "I entered through the window."
IF you are the lecturer what punishment will you give Akpos
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A lecturer in a University in Nigeria decided to give his students a test. He asked them to write the answers as he reads out the questions.
Instructions: Cancelling answers not allowed.

Lecturer: Question1. What is your favourite food? [10 mrks]

Female students were writing, Pizza, fried rice, Hamburger, ice cream, sharwama and all sorts of chinese cuisine.....

Lecturer: Question 2. How do you prepare the favourite food u av chosen? [50 marks]

Immediately, the female students started cancelling and changing the foods to, beans, cocoyam & red oil, rice concoction, yam porridge, Garri, white rice, agidi, tuwo zinkafha, eba, fufu, pounded yam etc.
They all got zero!

Naija girls hmmm
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FOREIGN LECTURER's PRIDE: 80% of my
students made A's.

9JA LECTURER's PRIDE: I gave 90% of my
students F, Idiots.
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One day a Lecturer was talking about marriage in class…
Lecturer : What kind of wife would you like, Akpos?

Akpos: I would want a wife like the moon…
Lecturer : Wow !! what a choice… do you want her to be cool & calm like the moon?
Akpos: No, no…

Lecturer: oh so you want her to be round and white? ??
Akpos: No, no…
Lecturer: Oh, so you want her to be fair and beautiful like the moon? ??
.
Akpos: No, no…I want her to arrive at night and disappear in the morning!

For the 1st time, I painfully agree with Akpos!
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Wednesday, 22 June 2016

8 Hilarious Jokes About Obama You Will Die Laughing

obama jokes

Best Obama Jokes Ever

President Obama goes to visit the Queen of England. As Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport, President Obama is warmly welcomed by the Queen.

They are driven in a car to the edge of central London, where they get into a magnificent seventeenth-century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on toward Buckingham Palace and wave to the crowds gathered to greet them. Suddenly the right rear horse lets out the loudest fart ever heard in the British Empire. 

The smell is awful and both passengers put handkerchiefs over their noses. The two dignitaries of state do their best to ignore the incident. Because the smell lingers, the Queen feels she must say something. She turns to President Obama and says, “Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control.”

Obama looks at her and replies, “Your Majesty, I completely understand. Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses.”
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Obama Jokes One Liners

Plenty of Americans don’t trust Barack Obama because they claim he’s not a “real American” like they are. They have a point; they aren’t like him. He’s too thin.
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Hilarious Anti Obama Jokes

One sunny day in January, 2017, an old man approaches the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue where he’d been sitting on a park bench. He speaks to the U.S. Marine standing guard and says, “I would like to go in and meet with President Obama. ”The Marine looks at the man and says, “Sir, Mr. Obama is no longer President and no longer resides here. ”The old man says, “Okay,” and walks away.

The following day the same man approaches the White House and says to the same Marine, “I would like to go in and meet with President Obama. ”The Marine again tells the man, “Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Obama is no longer President and no longer resides here. ”The man thanks him and again just walks away.

The third day the same man approaches the White House and speaks to the very same U.S. Marine, saying, “I would like to go in and meet with President Obama.” The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looks at the man and says, “Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Obama. I’ve told you already that Mr. Obama is no longer the President and no longer resides here. Don’t you understand?”

The old man looks at the Marine and says,“Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it.” The Marine snaps to attention, salutes, and says, “See you tomorrow, Sir!”
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A few days ago, Chinese Prime Minister, SumTinWong, was given some basic English Training before he visited Washington to meet president barack Obama...

The Prime Minister's Translator said in Chinese;

When you shake hand with President
Obama... please say, "How are you"

Then Mr. Obama should say; "I am
fine, and you?" You should reply
"me too" . When the meeting starts, I will translate the rest for you

When SumTinWong met Obama,
he mistakenly said "Who are you" (instead of 'how are you')

Mr. Obama was a bit shocked but still managed to react with humor,
"Well, I am Mitchelle's Husband, hahahaha..."
Then SumTinWong replied, "me to..hahahaha"

Then there was a long silence in the meeting room.
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Narendra modi & Obama were talking in a bar.

A guy came in n asked them wats d discussion about???

Modi: v r planning to kill 14 crore pakistanis & sunny leone!!

Guy: why Sunny Leone??

Suddenly Modi tells Obama: See I told u nobody would care about 14 crore pakistanis !
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An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board; Obama, Julia Gillard, George W. Bush, the Pope and a little girl, but only 4 parachutes.

The first passenger said, "I am President Obama, the chosen one. The world needs me, I can't afford to die." So he took the first parachute and left the plane.

The second passenger, Julia Gillard, said, "I am the prime Minister of Australia and I am the smartest woman in Australian history, so Australia's people don't want me to die." She took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane.

The third passenger, ex-President George W. Bush, said to the fourth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full life, and served my country the best I could. I can not sacrifice my life and let you have the parachute," and he promptly jumped off the plane.

The pope said, "Little girl, you take the last parachute. You are young and have a whole life to live. I'm old and i've lived my life to the fullest. You need it more."

The little girl said, "That's okay, Mr. Pope. There's a parachute left for you. George Bush took my schoolbag."
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Nawaz Sharif and Obama were flying in an Airplane and discussing political crisis in Pakistan.
Obama told to Nawaz Sharif that “if he throws down ONE CRORE DOLLARS, ONE CRORE people of PAKISTAN will make supplication in favor of him”.

Nawaz Sharif told to Obama that “if he RESIGNS from the position of Prime Minister, EIGHTEEN CRORE people of Pakistan will make supplication in favor of him”.

The Pilot of Airplane who was PAKHTOON, told them that “if he drowns and destroys the airplane, the WHOLE WORLD will make supplication in favor of him”.
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What does O.B.A.M.A. stand for? (One Big A#s Mistake America)
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Sunday, 19 June 2016

4 Funny Plumber Jokes With Hilarious Quotes & One Liners

funny plumber jokes

Bunch of funny plumber jokes,funny plumber quotes,one liners and plumbing humor

A lady was expecting the plumber. He was scheduled to come at 10 A.M. Ten o’clock came and went with no plumber. She concluded he wasn’t coming, and went out to do some errands.

While she was out, the plumber arrived. He knocked on the door; the lady’s parrot, who was at home in a cage by the door, said, “Who is it?”

He replied, “It’s the plumber.”

He thought it was the lady who’d said, “Who is it?” and waited for her to come and let him in.

When this didn’t happen he knocked again, and again the parrot said, “Who is it?”

He said, “It’s the plumber!” He waited, and again the lady didn’t come to let him in.

He knocked again, and again the parrot said, “Who is it?”

He said, “It’s the plumber!”

Again he waited and again she didn’t come. He knocked again and the parrot said, “Who is it?”

The plumber screamed, flew into a rage, pushed the door in, and ripped it off its hinges. He suffered a heart attack and fell dead in the doorway. 

The lady came home from her errands, only to see the door ripped off its hinges and a corpse lying in the doorway. “A dead body!” she exclaimed. “Who is it?”

The parrot said, “It’s the plumber.”
funny plumber quotes
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I hired a German plumber to do my shower other day. I nearly died. The idiot hooked up my gas to my shower.
Looks like old habits die hard eh
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What vegetable needs a plumber? A leek.
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On coming home from a late night at the office, the partner at a presigious law firm discovered that his basement was flooded. He summoned a plumber. The plumber arrived soon afterward, with a spare set of overalls and a cap that said "Blue Collar Guy".

The lawyer, still dressed in his an expensive suit, silk tie, and gleaming wingtips, chuckled. "I like your hat," he said. "But you're the first plumber I've met who brought a change of clothes to a job." The plumber smiled. 

The plumber went down into the basement, and the lawyer heard him working downstairs. Before too long, the plumber came back upstairs. "I'm almost done down there. I'm going to write up your bill, then I'm going to go out to my truck for a tool I need to finish up." 

The plumber added, "The overalls and hat you asked me about, they're not for me. I'm looking for a new assistant, and I was hoping you might know somebody who wanted the job." The lawyer responded, with more than a hint of condescension, "I'm a lawyer. Who would I know who would want to work as a plumber?" The plumber shrugged, and handed the lawyer his bill. 

A couple of minutes later, when the plumber returned from his truck, found the lawyer, dressed in the hat and overalls. "I had a chance to look over your bill while you were out," the lawyer said. "You found yourself an assistant." LOL
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Saturday, 18 June 2016

7 Kitty Party Jokes + Funny Kitty Party Quotes With Pictures

kitty party jokes

Enjoy hilarious jokes on kitty party + kitty party funny quotes

In a ladies KITTY PARTY MEETING :

The host asked a question !

When did u last say
I LOVE YOU to ur husbands ??

One said..today..
other said...2 days back.....
someone said...1 week back...

Host : " Now, all of u send I LOVE YOU ..
message to ur husbands.

Who ever gets AWESOME reply will get a SURPRISE GIFT.!

Everyone sent
I LOVE U
msg to their husbands.

After sometime, HUSBAND'S replies are as below.....

Husband 1 :
SWEETY.... Is ur health condition Ok?

Husband 2 : Have You Not cooked Food Today Too?

Husband 3 : Darling,
R u out of balance for the money given for home maintenance?

Husband 4 :
What's the matter??

Husband 5 :
R u dreaming or am I?

Husband 6 : Did u like someone's Jewelry in the function u attended today?

Husband 7 : I am already tensed in Office n now u r sending msgs like this...
do u have brain?

Husband 8 : How many times did I tell you not to watch those serials ??

Husband 9 : O ho..did u have an accident again ....With My Car...?

Husband 10 :
Should I pick kids from school today also??

Last - who won SURPRISE GIFT,
And msg is........

Husband 11 :
Who is dis ..sending msg from my wife mobile???
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Ek Aadmi Ne Ek Ghar Ki Bell Bajayi To Ek Bachha Bahar
Aaya, Aadmi Ne Puchha

Aadmi: “Beta Papa Ghar Pe Hain?”
Bachcha: “Uncle, Papa To Bazar Gaye Hain”

Aadmi: “Chalo Bade Bhai Ko Bula Do”
Bachcha: “Ji Wo Cricket Khelne Gaya Hai”
Aadmi: “Beta Mummy To Hongi Ghar Pe?”

Bachcha: “Ji Wo Kitty Party Mein Gayi Hai”
Aadmi Ka Ab Dimag Kharab Ho Chuka Tha Gusse Mein Aakar Bola

Aadmi: “To Beta Tum Ghar Pe Kyun Baithe Hue Ho Tum Bhi Kahin Chale Jao”

Bachcha: “Ji Main Bhi To Apne Dost Ke Ghar Aaya Hua Hoon“
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Hoti hai Kitty Party to ladies khelti hai Tambola
2 dino ke break ke baad waapas aa gaya hai Bhola

Jiski kahi intern nahi lagti usko le leti hai Reliance
BSA,BRCA Gsec sab le baitha Nilgiri led alliance

Poltu season hota hi hai aisa, you never know what's going on inside
Hadd to tab ho gayi, jab Kumaon bhi external mein ho gaya divide

CTM waale draame ke baad Nilgiri par ban rahe the joke
Ab ro rahe hain joke banaane waale, manaa rahe hain shok

Poltu jab kehar dhaati hai, zindagi mein banke Shola
Kartika ko bhul jaata hai ,even a sincere lover like Bhola
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Sumona: Gaadi ki chaabi do na.

Kitty party me jana hai.
Kapil: Gaadi?

Sumona: 10 lakh ki gaadi me jaungi to jyada rob padega.

Kapil: Ye le 10 Rs. 48 lakh ki bus me ja. jyada rob padega.
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Wife: (calling from the bath room in a very sweet and sexy voice)
"Darling, I am in the bath room.... have applied soap all over... please come and rub liberally properly with your loving hands."

Husband: (reading newspaper.... suddenly jumps with happiness looks himself in the mirror and tells his wife)

"Sweetheart... ruko... mein abhi aaya."
Reaches the bath room... sees his wife fully clothed, gets very disappointed & asks,
"kahan rub karun..?"
.
Wife: "don't assume anything

.... I have
applied soap to the Clothes lying on the floor... now  Rub each of the clothes properly  and wash them
and hang them for drying...  

I have to go for my kitty party."
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Ek saji-dhaji mahila apne pati ke sath ek doctor ke clinic gayi.

Mahila:
Ek daant nikalwana hai…
Par sirf 10 minute mein..

Koi anesthesia, behoshi, ya pain killer ki jaroorat nahin!
Thoda bahut dard hota hai, hone do…!

Par jaldi… Mujhe ek kitty party mein jana hai!!

Doctor: Kamaal hai, Gajab ki bahadur mahila hain aap.. ! Aaiye examine chair par let jayiye! Dikhayiye kaun sa daant hai!

Mahila (Apne Pati se): Jaao, let jaao… aur bata do kaun sa daant hai!!
_____________________________________________________

Wife came Late Night after Playing Cards in Kitty Party ....

Not Wanting to Wake her Husband .....
She Undressed & Came NUDE to Bedroom ....

Husband Woke Up Shocked........
SAB KUCHH HAAR GAYI KYA ?(you lost everything?)
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Friday, 17 June 2016

Bunch Of Hilarious Mexican Jokes + Witty Quotes & One Liners

mexican jokes

Mexican Word of the Day: FRITO.
"After arguing with the pinche policia he told me I was frito go."

Mexican Word of the Day: PUTA.
"Puta phone down and get back to work!"

Mexican Word of the Day: MUSHROOM.
"Orale, vato, when all my family gets in the car there's not mushroom."

Mexican Word of the Day: JULY.
"Ju told me ju were going to tha store, pero July to me, Julyer!"

Mexican word of the day: JUPITER.
"My kids were acting stupid, so I told 'em, "Jupiter behave or I'm gonna take my chancla off!"

Mexican Word of the Day: CASHEW.
"I tried running after you, but I couldn’t cashew."

Mexican words of the day: BUTTER and LETTUCE.
"I wanna marry my ruca, butter parents won't lettuce!"

Mexican Word of the Day: INJURE.
"We were playing poker and my jefe won and told me, 'Injure face, ese!'"

Mexican Word of the Day: BODYWASH.
"I can't go to the cantina tonight cuz no bodywash my kids."

Mexican Word of the Day: RECTUM.
"I got two cars, but not anymore because my wife rectum."

Mexican Word of the Day: WATER.
"My vieja gets mad and I dont even know water problem is."

Mexican word of the day: WHEELCHAIR.
"My homie was drinkin' a Bud Light when I told him, 'Hey vato, where's mine?' He told me, "This is de last one, but don't worry, wheelchair.'"

Mexìcan Word of the Day: BISHOP.
"The other day my ruca fell down the stairs and i had to pick the bishop."

Mexican Word of the Day: WAFER.
"I wanted to go to the movies with my friends, pero los mensos didn't wafer me."

Mexican word of the day: TEXAS.
"My ruca always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where I'm at."

Mexican Word of the Day: CHICKEN.
"My wife wanted me to go to the store, pero chicken go herself."

Mexican word of the day: JUAREZ.
"My vieja slapped me and I said, 'Juarez your freaking problem?'"

Happy Cinco de Mayo!
best mexican jokes of all time
______________________________________________

Q: What do you call a Mexican who flies an airplane?

A: A pilot, you racist bastard!
______________________________________________

You can fit more mexicans in the bed of a pick up tuck than you can fit americans in a bus.
______________________________________________
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Tom & Jerry Jokes,Funny Quotes + All Hilarious Stuff For You !

tom and jerry jokes

Best jokes on tom and jerry

TOM; Jerry do you let your girlfriend touch your IPhone?
JERRY; Never....Never idon't do that.

TOM; But why?
JERRY; i got 2 reasons.

TOM; go a head...
JERRY; first is that i don't have IPhone & the second is that i don't have a girlfreind.

Tom laughed til he fainted
________________________________________________

An Arab couple went 2 London

1 day in the hotel room, d husband heard his wife scream 'Faar Faar' (it is d arabic word for Mouse)

He wanted to inform Room Service but didnt know English word for Faar.

Husband: Hello Room Service?

Room Service: Yes Sir,
how can I help u?

Husband : U know Tom n Jerry?

Room Service: Yes Sir, I know Tom n Jery

Husband : Walla Habibi,
JERRY is here!
________________________________________________

Jerry & his friend Tom loved playing football. unlikely, Tom died. in 2 weeks later, Tom visited Jerry in dreams. Jerry was so excited to see his best friend he said to him...

JERRY; Hey Tom are u back?
TOM; Jerry my friend, igot bad & gud news for you.
JERRY; Start with gud news.

TOM; Owky, de good news is that in heaven we play football & we have agame to play sutaday.
JERRY; great, what's the bad news?

TOM; The bad news is that you are on de starting line up.

Jerry fainted.
________________________________________________

Tom And Jerry Funny Quotes

why did tom and jerry get married
Because tom was a boy and jerry was a boy and they were strong as a toliet.
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Wednesday, 15 June 2016

Funny Table Manners Jokes,Funny Quotes + [Pictures]

table manners jokes

Here are the table manners jokes,funny table manners quotes...

Santa : Are my table manners good if I eat fried chicken with your fingers?

Banta: No, you need to eat your fingers separately.
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The Polite Way to Pee: During one of her daily classes, a lady teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question: Amit, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, 

how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?Amit said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.' The teacher responded by saying: 'That would be rude and impolite' What about you Kunal, how would you say it?'

Kunal said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.' 'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. 

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners? Johnny said: 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce to you after dinner.' The teacher fainted
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"Suzy Said To Me One Day Long Ago. She Said 'Honey Please Don't Join The Corps' They Like Nothing But Fuss And Fight And They Look Kinda Weird With Those High End Tights. 

They Got Poor Table Manners And They're Oh So Cruel. They Got A War Sense Of Humor And Their Jokes Are Rude.' I Said "Suzy Let Me Tell You What I'll Do, I'll Join The Corps For A Year Or Two' So I Packed My Trash And Headed For The Place. I Went To The Place Where They Made Marines. 

Paris Island Was The Name Of The Place. The First Thing I Saw Was A Drill Instructors Face. Now Suzy Said 'Its Me Or The Corps' I Can't Take This Life Anymore. I Looked At Her With A Big Old Grin. I Haven't Seen Suzy Since I Don't Know When."
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Funny Washing Machine Jokes,One Liners,Hilarious Quotes On Washing Machine

funny washing machine jokes

Bunch Of Hilarious Washing Machine Jokes,One Liners,Funny Quotes On Washing Machine

Q: What is the difference between and Virgin and a washing machine?
A: The washing machine doesn't follow you around for two weeks after you dump a load in it!
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A Jamaican man was walking with his wife through halfway tree market.
She stopped off to buy some mangos and the man waited behind her. When she came back to him he said

"Bwoy hattie me never know say your batty a get so big and hefty like a washing machine"

Later that night when they were in bed the husband decided that he would roll over to her for some loving

But hattie pushed him away and said

"Sarry darlin but dis big ole washing machine kyant tek such a small load, de cycle is too short, Yuh better give dat deh one a handrinse"
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One Day There Was A Husband And Wife And They Had Little Kids And They Decided To Disguise The Word Sexual Intercourse As Washing Machine.

One Night The Husband Rolls Over And Says Washing Machine, Washing Machine, But The Wife Says "no Not Tonight Dear" Again 10 Minutes Later The Husband Rolls Over Again And Says Washing Machine, Washing Machine, But The Wife Says "no Not Tonight!". 

10 Minutes Later The Wife Rolls Over And Goes Okay Washing Machine, But The Husband Says "nah Its Ok, It Was A Small Load So I Did It By Hand"
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Q- why was the washing machine laughing?

A- because it was taking the piss out of your undies!
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The Funniest Warning Labels

11. On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use."
(I gotta admit, I'm curious.)

12. On peanuts: "Warning: Contains nuts."
(NEWS FLASH)

13. On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: Fly Delta)

14. On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company, I blame parents for this one.)

15. On a Swedish chain saw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Was there a chance of this happening somewhere?... Good grief)

16. On a bottle of Palmolive Dishwashing liquid: "Do not use on food."
("Hey Mom we're out of syrup! " - " It's OK, honey! Just grab the Washing liquid!")

17. On a tube of Crest Toothpaste: "If swallowed contact poison control."
(Oh please have you ever heard about someone dying from swallowing a little toothpaste?)

18. On a bottle of ALL laundry detergent: "Remove clothing before distributing in washing machine."
("Hey, no more swimming in the washing machine, kids!" - "Aww, you mean we have to use the swimming pool?")
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A man is walking behind his wife and says, "Baby you are so fat now your bum looks like a washing machine."

The woman keeps quiet and keeps walking. Bed time, the man is asking for sex. The woman says, "I can't start the washing machine for such a small load. You'll have to hand wash!"
______________________________________________________

Suppandi’s master was a small time business man. He had told Suppandi to always try to earn a profit.

Master: Suppandi, I am expecting a washing machine from London Stores. Go and give this Rs.50 note to the shopkeeper and get the machine.

On the way back from the store, a man met Suppandi.

Man: How much did you buy that machine for?

Suppandi: Rs.50

Man: I will give you Rs.90 for it.

Suppandi thought that he was making a profit and sold it and reached home.

Master: Where is the machine?

Suppandi: I sold it off on the way for Rs.90, a clear profit of Rs.40.

Master: You fool, that machine was worth Rs.9000. I was paying for it in installments.

Master: Your Fired!!!:(
______________________________________________________

The washing machine repair man was arrived at Mrs Smith's house to be greeted by a huge black dog.

"Don't worry about Killer, " said Mrs Smith, "he is an ex army attack dog but he's so well trained he won't hurt a fly unless someone gave him the word of commanded"

Washing machine man was uneasy but, sure enough, the dog ignore him and wandered around placidly enough.

After fifteen minutes Mr's Smith was called away. She left the repair man on his honour to finish the job and leave the house secure.

As she was leaving she told him very firmly to stay out of the living room.

The repair man soon finished the job and made himself a coffee. There were no comfortable chairs in the kitchen so he decided to just look into the dining room.

He peered around the door and saw nothing unusual. He decided Mrs Smith just wanted to keep the room clean but there was no way she would know he'd been in there.

So he wandered in and turned the television on to the racing channel. Then he settled into an arm chair and sipped his coffee.

He wasn't at all concerned when Killer the dog loped in and sat a few feet from him.

In a break between races he noticed a box on the sideboard covered in a black cloth. His curiosity the better of him and he wandered over and lifted the cloth.

His eyes met the eyes of a large grey parrot.

The high pitched squawk "Killer, seize him" were the last words he ever heard.
______________________________________________________

Babe I'm coming with my 2friends. Please buy 48 Hunters- Dry, Hennessy, triple deck Pizza with cheese and mushroom.

Oh Babe my other friend doesn't drink Hunters-dry, She wants 24 Vawter.
48 Hunters-Dry = R480
24 Vawter = R280

Tripple deck Pizza with cheese and mushroom = R135
Hennessy VS = R400
.
TOTAL COST = R1295
_________________________
WIFE
.
.
Lovie I'm coming home, please take out meat in the fridge, I'll cook when I get there & please put your dirty clothes in the washing machine I'll do laundry while busy cooking.
I love you honey.
.
.
TOTAL COST = R00
.
.
CHEATING IS EXPENSIVE
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Monday, 13 June 2016

Fogg Jokes,Fogg Chal Raha Hai Humor + Pictures

fogg chal raha hai jokes

Funny Jokes On Fogg & Fogg Chal Raha Hai Jokes

Pehle FOGG Deo sabke liye tha...
FOGG only Deo...no gass..

per nahi chla flop ho gya....!

fir aya FOGG..
only for women..

to chla hua hai abhi tak...

‪FOGG‬ wale samjh gye hain ki aurton ko ullu bnana asaan hota hai
___________________________________________________________
Aaj subah bohut fogg(dhummas) tha,
.
.
.
.
.socho kyu....
.
.
.
.
Because rajnikant hukka pee raha tha.
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Me: *comes home late*
Mom : Raat ko nikammo ki tarah ghoomna,
padhai na karna bas Sara din awaragirdi karte rehna , ye aajkal kya chal raha hai?
.
.
.
.
.
Me : Mummy aajkal fogg chal raha hai..... :p
*Laat*
*Ghusa*
*Chappal*
___________________________________________________________

I stopped using fogg, reason? That stupid nonsense advertisement.:p

Fogg chal raha hai? Kidhar chal raha hai BC?
___________________________________________________________

Maa - Pura din online rahta hai chal kya raha hai aaj kal ?
.
.
Me - India me to Fogg chal raha hai
.
.
Maa - Mere sath majak karta hai ruk tu nd then
**Flying chappal successfully received*
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Sunday, 12 June 2016

Lalu Prasad Yadav Jokes,Funny Dialogues,Hilarious Comedy By Lalu

lalu prasad yadav jokes

Huge collection of lalu prasad yadav jokes,his funny speech in parliament with quotes and one liners

Lalu obama se english sikhne america gaye,

lautne ke bad lalu ko call aya,

lalu ; who is speaking ?

Obama: hum sasura obama bolat lag hu, humka nahi pehchane BUDBAK.

LALU ROCKED ! ObAMA SHOCKED
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Laloo Prasad Yadav talks to his son:-
Laloo : I want you to marry a girl of my choice
Son : "I want to choose my own bride".

Laloo : "But the girl is Ambani's daughter."
Son : "Well, in that case..."
Next Laloo approaches Mukesh Ambani:-
Laloo : "I have a husband for your daughter."

Ambani : "But my daughter is too young to marry."
Laloo : "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."
Ambani : "Ah, in that case..."

Finally Laloo goes to see the president of the World Bank:-
Laloo : "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."
President : "But I already have more vice-presidents than I need."

Laloo : "But this young man is Ambani's son-in-law."
President : "Ah, in that case....."
This is how business is done!!
___________________________________________________________

Lalu- aaj kuch naya kare,
,
Rabri- ka?
,
Lalu- aaj hum tohre kaan me dalunga !
,
Rabri- na baba na baheri ho gai to?
,
Lalu- dhatt pagli muh me li to gungi hui ka.
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Lalu Sonia Ji se: Sonia Ji.. E bataye ki I Love You
ka matlab ka hota hai?
Sonia: Me tumse pyaar karti hu!

Lalu: Le kar lo bat.. sasura hum agreji me ek
saval ka puchh liya.. E pagali to hum par fida ho gayee!
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Lalu prasad yadav and obama jokes

Obama: Tujhe swiming aati hai.
Lalu: Na

Obama: Tere se to kutta acha hai jo swim kar leta hai.
Lalu: Tumko aata hai

Obama: Yes
Lalu: Sasura fir tohre mein aur Kutta mein farak ka hai
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Mayawati Laloo ke ghar elephant ke sath aayi.

Laloo - Bhaiswaa ke sath aaye ho ??

Mayawati - Dikhta nahi elephantwa hai.

Laloo - Dhatt pagli , hum elephantwa se puch raha hoon
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Air Hostess to Lalu - Sir, are u vegetarian or non-vegetarian?
Lalu: I am Indian.

Air hostess: No, No. Sir, are you shakahari or masahari?
Lalu: Hat sasuri! I am Bihari.
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Lalu Ji Bhi Bade Kamal Ke Aadmi Hai..

Rakhi Sawant Ek Din Bihar Ke Tour Par Gayi Aur Lalu Ji Ki Shaksiyat Se Kafi Impress Hokar Unko Apne Saath Apne Ghar Le Aayi

Kamre Mein Le Jakar Jo Do Kapde Pehne The Wo Utar Kar Nangi Ho Ke Boli.

Rakhi Sawant: “Muje Bandh Do Aur Wo Karo Jo Bihari Sabse Acha Karte Hai”

Bas Ye Sun Na Tha Ki Lalu Ji Ne Kurta Utara Aur
Katora Liya Or Doodh Nikalna Shuru Kar Diya.
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Lalu Yadav was Filling up a form. He did not know the meaning of Zodiac Sign.

He turned the page & saw that Manmohan had written Scorpio, so he wrote Innova..!!

Next one
....hilarious

Mayawati was also filling up a form. She did not know the meaning Of Zodiac Sign. She turned the page & saw that Sonia had written Cancer so she wrote Piles.!!
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Lalu prasad yadav & bill gates jokes

Laloo prasad ne Microsoft USA me job k liye apply kiya..

Few days later, he got this reply: "Dear Mr. Laloo Prasad, You do not meet our requirements..
.
Please do not send any further correspondence..
.
No phone call shall be entertained..
.
Thanks Bill Gates
.
Laloo prasad bahut khush hua or usne press conference ki..
"Bhaiyon aur Behno, aap ko jaan kar khushi hogi ki hum ko America mein naukri mil gayi hai.."
.
Ab hum aap sab ko apna appointment Letter padhkar sunaungaa par letter angrezi mein hai isliye saath-saath Hindi main translate bhi karunga..
.
"Dear Mr. Laloo:" Pyare Laloo prasad bhaiya
.
You do not meet-aap to milte hi nahi ho
.
our requirement - humko to zarurat hai
.
Please do not send any further correspondence -ab Letter vetter bhejne ka kaouno zarurat nahi
.
No phone call -phoonwa ka bhi zarurat nahin hai
.
shall be entertained -bahut khaatir ki jayegi
.
Thanks -aapka bahut dhanyavad
.
Bill Gates -Tohar Bilva.
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Lawyer to Lalu: "Gita pe haath rakhkar kaho ke...... "
Funny Lalu : "Yeh kya, Sita pe haath lagaya to court mein Bulaya. Ab fir Gita pe haath!!"
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Laloo : Ka naam hai aapka ?

Pele : Hum Pele hain..

Laloo : Hum bhi, 11 baar ! tabhi to yeh cricket team tayyar hui hai
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Mayawati walking with her 2 sons .

Lalu asks : R they twins ?

Mayawati : No , One is 7 yrs& other 9 yrs. But y did u ask ?. . .

Lalu: can't believe, If someone Have #ucked U twice..?
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Ek boat me Mayawati, Lalu, Manmohan
Advani, Sonia, Pawar, Sushma swaraj Ja Rhe the,
achanak naav Doob Gyi
To Batao kon Bacha?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Hamara DESH...!
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Lalu's PA -sir there is a new problem.

Lalu-ka problem.?

PA: Ebola

Lalu: kon bola?

PA: koi nhi bola sir.Ebola

Lalu: arey kon bola be??modi bola ,rahul bola ki nitishwa bola

PA: aap samajh nhi rhe sir .ebola

Lalu: abey hm samajh nhi rhe ki tum pagla gye hoka ??bola kon manmohanba bola diya ka re.
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Question:"Ek Aeroplane Delhi se Mumbai jane me 120 min leta hai but Mumbai se wapas Delhi aane me sirf 2 hrs ???Ab dekhiye iske jawab me hamare Rajneta kya reply krte hai

Rahul Gandhi:"jate waqt petrol se jati h or aate waqt diesel se isliye..

Manoj tiwari:"jaanch committee banayege or mamle ki nishpaksh janch hogi..

Laloo- agar ham mantri hota to aisa nahi hota 

Kapil Sibbal:"Isme jarur RSS ka hath hai..

Salmaan khurshid:"aate waqt koi handicapped pilot plan chala rha hoga..
Mayawati:"agar plan me hathi ki statue lagi hoti to aisa na hota..

Akbar Owaisi:"Delhi se Mumbai k raste me Gujrat padta hai, ye jarur Narendra Modi ki chal hai..
Manmohan Singh:"Madam se puchh kar batauga...

Nitish kumar-jab tak biharko vishesh rajya ka darja nahi mil jaega, aise ghotale to hote hi rahenge
anna-is mamle ki nishpaksh jaanch honi chahiye, aur jab tak sach samne nahiayega mai anshan karoonga

Baba ramdev-ye ho sakta hai ki pilot ne anulom-vilomna kiya ho isliye shaaree ki thakaan ke karan ek baar zyada time laga diya ho.Yog se theek ho jaega
Narendra Modi: Abe Chutiyo.... 2 hour = 120 minutes
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lalu prasad yadav nitish kumar jokes

MLAs of RJD who revolted against Lalu returned to RJD after giving 5 hours of orgasm to Nitish Kumar.

In simple terms, this is called KLPD
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do admi the lalu aur chalu.

lalu : chalu.....,chalu.....,chalu.....,

chalu : yar lalu muje pta he ki tu yhi par he.

lalu : me ye sabit kar sakta hu ke me yha nhi hu.

chalu : chl lagi 1000-1000 ki shariyat.

lalu : haa lagi chl bata,kya me Mumbai me hu?

chalu : nhi ho.

lalu : kya me shimla me hu?

chalu : nhi ho.

lalu : kya me M.P me hu?

chalu : nhi ho.

lalu : me Mumbai me nhi hu,shimla me nhi hu,M.P me bi nhi hu?iska matlab me yha par bi nhi hu?

chalu : ha ji nhi ho.

lalu : to nikalo mere 1000 Rs.

calu : me tume 1000 Rp de to deta par jab tum yha par ho hi nhi to me tume Rp kese du
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Lalu returns.
Maggie returns.
Fun things with health hazards return
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Sonia Gandhi Ne Shadi Ka Socha Aur Swayamwar Racha.

Par Usne Ek Ajeeb Si Sharat Rakhi Ki
Main Shaadi Usi Se Karungi Jiska Lund Khada Nahi Hoga
Swayamwar Mein Ramdev Baba, Anna Hajare Aur Manmohan Singh Aaye
Sonia Un Logo Ke Aage Kapde Utar Ke Khadi Ho Gayi

Ramdev Aur Anna Ka To Khada Ho Gaya Par Manmohan Ka Nahi Hua
Sonia Ne Fatafatt Manmohan Se Shadi Kar Li, Suhagraat Ko Manmohan Ne Sonia Ko Kaha
Manmohan: “Chal Kapde Utar Aur Godhi Ban Ja” Aur Ye Kah Ke Usne Apne Kapde Utar Diye
Sonia Ne Dekha Ki Manmohan Ka To Pura Khada Hua Pada Tha

Sonia Chillate Hue Boli: “Madarchhod Us Waqt To Tera Lund Khada Nahi Hua Tha, Ab Kaise Ho Gaya”
Manmohan Muskurate Hue Bola: “Us Waqt Maine Chashma Nahi Pahna Tha Na
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Lalu ka 9th fail beta aaj deputy CM ban gaya.. !!
Moral: Padh likh kar sirf facebook status update kar sakte hain..
Zindagi ka status to ye anpadh gawaar log update kar rahe hain.
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Sharad Pawar and Lalu Yadav giving a clean chit to Robert Vadra is like Rakhi Sawant and Poonam Pandey giving the 'Sati Savitri' award to Sunny Leone
___________________________________________________________

Normal People-
Orkut

Lalu Prasad
AarKuut
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Lalu Prasad Yadav ka funny beta 1000 Watt ke bulb par Lalu Yadav ka naam likh raha tha.

Lalu Yadav: Bitwa, e ka kart ho?

Funny Beta: Aapka naam roshan kar raha hoon.
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Lalu Saw A Donkey And Cat AtSonia’s House To Impress Sonia He Talk To Her In English.
Lalu: “ Madam, Your Ass Is Pretty But Your PussyIs Simply Mind Blowing
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Ek bar loksabha ki meeting k bd LALU PRASAD aur SONIA GANDHI ek hi hotel me jate ae...pr wha ek hi room hota ae to wo ek hi room me so jate ae ae LALU JI niche jamin pe so jate ae aur SONIA bed pr...

thodi der bad LALU to thark chadi ae aur LALU bolta ae SONIA g gathbandhan bnate ae to SONIA kheti ae chup chap so ja to LALU muth mar k hi kam chla leta ae thodi der bad SONIyA kethi ae aajo LALU g gathbandan bnate ae tho is pr 

LALU G ka reply aata ae ab kya gathbandan banana sarkar to gir chuki hai.
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Saturday, 11 June 2016

Funny Call Centre Jokes,Quotes,One Liners,Stories,Conversation

call centre jokes

Get funniest call centre jokes,funny call centre quotes,one liners,humor

A Chinese Call center:

Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan?

Operator: Yes you can speak to me..

Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!

Operator: Yes I understand you want to speak to anyone. You can speak to me. Who is this?

Caller: I am Sam Wan, and I need to talk to Annie Wan. It's urgent!

Operator: I know you are someone and you want to speak to anyone. But what's the urgent matter about?

Caller: Well.. just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.

Operator: Look, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!

Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?

Operator: I'm Saw Ree.
Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name.

Operator: That's what I said. I am Saw Ree...

Caller: Oh...God..!
chinese are so confusing :D
funny indian call centre jokes
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Call from call centre:

"Hello Madam,
We are offering you, a Credit Card, with best deals....

No Annual Charges, No Interest on Balance For 3 Months, Big Credit Limit & No Penalty For Overspending..!"

Smart Answer By The Lady : "No Thanks, I Have A Husband With Lifetime Zero Fees, Unlimited Spending & cash withdrawal Limit, No Interest & No Penalties For Ever..!!"

O womaniya.

Aa aa womaniya
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American Call centre - " Hi sir ,how are you today"

Indian call centre - " Hello,company ne scheme nikali hai sir, please lelo sir pls sir"
_______________________________________________

Me: 3G ki speed nahi aa rahi hai

Call centre : Kaunsa handset use kar rahe hain aap?.

Me: Iphone 6

Call centre: Apple ka iphone?.

Me : Nahi Amrood ka
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Santa Ko Idea Mein Call centre Ki Job Mil Gayi.

Magar Pehle Din hi bahut maar padi aur nikaal diya gya…

BeCause
.
First Caller : Mera Idea Ka Sim Kharab Ho Gaya Hai..!! Kya karuun ?

Santa– To Pagal Airtel Ka Le Le
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A Husband and his wife agreed that anytime they want to have sex, they will call it a 'PHONE CALL' so that the kids will not decode.

One day, the husband sent his son and said, "Tell your mother that, "Daddy wants to make a phone call.

Mother replies, "Tell your Dad that the Network is down today."

Dad to his son, "Go tell your mother that if there is no Network at home, I will go to a Public Phone".

Mother tells her son to go and tell his dad, "If he dare goes to a Public Phone, she will open a Call Centre at home.
_______________________________________________

1st frnd to 2 Friend'
"Lay mithai kha!"

2nd Friend: Kis baat ki?

1st frnd:
Teri Bhabhi call centre me job karti hai,
aur usko Best "CALL GIRL" ka Award mila hay!
_______________________________________________
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Friday, 10 June 2016

Funny Sardar Jokes,Witty Quotes,Hilarious One Liners And Lot More To Enjoy

funny sardar jokes

So here is the big collection of funny sardar jokes,funny quotes on sardar,hilarious one liners and much more to enjoy :)

Dr.:- Aapke 3 daant kaise tut gaye..?
Sardar:- Ji wo wife ne kadak roti banai thi.

Dr.:- To khane se mana kar dete.
Sardar:- Ji wo hi to kiya tha.
sardar jokes one liners
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Sardar got an sms from his Girlfriend written as "I Miss You".
Sardar ne apna dimag laga ke 2 ghante baad reply bheja "I Mr.You".
funny sardarji quotes
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Sardar ne 1 raah chalti ajnabi ladki se kaha:- Aapne pehchana mujhe ko.
Ladki:- Nahi aap koun ho..?
Sardar:- Main wahi hu jisko aapne parso bhi nahi pehchana tha.
funny sardar and pathan jokes
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Sardar math ke paper me dance kar raha tha.
Kisi ne pocha ye kya kar rahe ho..?
Sardar:- Yaar mere sir ne kaha tha ke her step ke no. hote h.
_________________________________________________

Sardar Bill gates se:- Tum pagal ho.
Bill:- Why?
Sardar:- Tumhara surname Gates h aur business tum Windows ka karte ho.
_________________________________________________

Sardarni wrote a msg. to sardar:-
Ghar kab aa rahe ho. msg. karke batao.
Sardar sent msg. to her:- Nahi bata sakta msg. free nahi h.
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1 Sardar ne apni car ke niche kutte ko leta hua dekha to kutte ko 1 dum se kheecha aur kha:- Bhar nikal bada aaya mechanical engineer banne.
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1 Sardar ke ghar chor aa gya.
Sardar ne dekha to chor bhaga sardar uske piche bhaga aur bhagte-2 chor se bhi aage nikal gya or bola:- 1 to chori uper se humse race.
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Sardar ki G.F. romantic mood me:-Aaj mere ghar koi nahi h, aa jao.
Sardar:- Pagal tu mere ghar aaja,yahan hum saare h, tera dil lag jayga.
_________________________________________________

Sardar office ja raha tha, Patni pyaar se boli:- See u in the evening.
Sardar gusse se:- Dhamki kise de rahi h, main bhi tujhe dekh loonga.
_________________________________________________

Sardar kisi ladki ke ghar rista le kar gaya ladki ke maa baap bole humari beti abhi padh rahi h.
Sardar:- Koi baat nahi hum 1
ghante baad aa jayenge.
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Sardar ne 1 number dial kiya 1 ladki ne received.
Sardar:- Hello kaun.
Girl:- Main Seeta.
Sardar:- O yaar ye to ayodhya lag gaya. Sorry Maate.
_________________________________________________

Jatt:- No if no but sirf jatt.
Khatri:- No topi no chatri sirf
khatri.
Mulla:- No gas no chulla sirf mulla.
Sardar:- No dalda no gheo punjabi sharea da peo.
_________________________________________________

Public toilet me likha tha "Duniya chand pe pahuch gayi aur tu yahi baitha hai" Sardar niche likh ke aaya "Bas dho ke jaa raha hu".
_________________________________________________

Sardar ki beti:- Papa kal aapke ghar se 1 member kam ho jaega.
Next day sardar ki beti bhag jati h.
Sardar:- Ladki ne kaam to galat kiya per thi wo jyotish.
_________________________________________________

Sardar:- Express kitne baje h.
T.T:- 1 baje.
Sardar:- Local.
T.T:- 9 bje.
Sardar:- Aur maal gadi.
T.T:- 12 baje, Abe tuze jana kaha h.
Sardar:- Patri pe potty karne.
_________________________________________________

Sardar ke truck pe likha tha
"Chhotta Parivar, Sukhi Parivar"
msg. from "Rinku, Golu, Monu,
Ramu, Shamu, Sohan, Mohan, Tilu, Pinky de papa di gaddi".
_________________________________________________

Teacher:- Batao sacha desh bhagt kaun hota h.
Sardar:- Jo enlish toilet seat par bhi Indian style me baithta ho.
_________________________________________________

1 Bar sardar Rs. jama karne gya.
Officer:- Ye note fata hua h, dusra do.
Sardar:- Main apne A/c me jama kar rha hu, fata karu ya naya, Tujhe kya matlab h be.
_________________________________________________

Sardar air hostess se:- Aapki shakal meri biwi se bahut milti h. Air hostess ne zordar thappad santa ke muh pe mara.
Sardar:- Kamal h. Aadat bhi wahi h.
_________________________________________________

Sardar ne evrest pe dekha waha pe 1 baba gutka ragad raha tha.
Sardar:- Baba ye kya h.
Baba:- Masala.
Sardar:- Oh to Evrest masala aap hi banate ho.
_________________________________________________

Pagal:- Tum muslim ho.
Sardar:- Nahi, main sardar hu.
Pagal:- Nahi, tum muslim ho.
Sardar (gusse me):- Haan, main muslim hu.
Pagal:- Lagte ho sardar ho.
_________________________________________________

Sardar (Police station ja kar kahta h):- Mujhe phone par jaan se marne ki dhamki m il rhi h.
Inspector:- Koun de rha h.
Sardar:- BSNL wale, kehte h bill nahi bhara to kaat denge.
_________________________________________________

1 Accident hua, bhut bheed ho gyi, sardar ko aage jane ka moka nahi mil rha tha. Clever sardar:- Hi. mera Bapu. Bheed ne raah di to kutta marra mila...
_________________________________________________

Sardar ka sir phat gya.
Dr.:- Ye kaise hua.?
Sardar:- Main chappal se pathar tod raha tha. Mujhe 1 aadmi ne bola "Kabhi khopdi" ka istemal bhi kar liya kar.
_________________________________________________

Sardar ko ek party ka invitation mila jisme likha tha only pink tie.
Sardar wahan gaya to usne dekha ke logo ne pant shirt bhi pehni thi...
_________________________________________________

Sardar is in a dissection class of cockroach. He cuts its 1 leg, and says, "walk", it walks.

He cuts 2nd and 3rd legs and said, "walk" , it walks.

He cuts all the legs and said, "walk...." Finally he wrote the conclusion......
...... "after all the legs of a cockroach are cut - it becomes deaf......"
_________________________________________________

A negro boarded a bus wth hiz son, conductr said-
.
.
itni gandi shakal ka baccha maine aaj tak nahi dekha !

Negro gets angry bt sayz nothing n takes a seat near sardar.
.
.
Sardar- u look angry wat happened ?
Negro- d conductor insulted me !
.
.
.
Santa- to maar saale ko, la apna bandar mujhe pakda de tab tak
_________________________________________________

Santa Gave A Secret Password For E-Banking "Ram-sita-laxman hanuman-jamwant-sughriv-bali
vibhishan-delhi-spiderman"

Banta- Yaar! Itna Lamba Password??
Santa- Kya Karoon?Bank Wale Kehte Hai Ki Password Me Minimum 8 Characters,
1 Capital Aur Ek Special Character Zaroori Hai.
_________________________________________________

4 sardaro ne mil ke petrol pump khola..

1 bhi customer nahi aaya.. Kyun..??

Bcoz petrol pump 1st floor pe tha..

Chalo ek aur..

Fir 4 ne ussi floor pe restaurant khola, 1 b customer nahi aaya.. Kyu..?? .
BCoz petrol pump ka board nahi hataya..

Chalo ek aur..

Fir 4 ne 1 taxi li. 1 b sawaari nahi mili.,.
Kyu..??

Bcoz 2 sardar aage aur 2 piche baith k sawaari dhund rahe the..

Chalo ek aur

Taxi kharab ho gayi.. 4 ne khub dhakkalagaya.. But taxi wahi ki wahi.. Kyu..??

2 aage se aur 2 piche se dhakka de rahe the..

Chalo ek aur..

Fir 4 ne 1 bacche ko kidnap kiya.. Bacche ko kaha ghar ja aur apne baap se 5 lac Rs le aa, warna tujhe maar denge.

Baccha ghar gaya aur uske papa ne paise de diye..
Kyun..??

Bcoz bacche ka baap sardar tha.
_________________________________________________

1 Chinese , 1 Gora aur 1 Sardar ship mein ja rahe the.
1 Jinn aaya aur bola:
Samundar me koi cheez pheko,agar maine dhoond li to main tumhe maar dunga,

Aur na dhoond paya to main tumhara Gulam!

Chinese ne needle phenki.

Jinn ne dhoond li or use maar diya..

Gore ne memory card phenka.
Jinn ne dhoond liya or use bhi maar diya..

Sardar ne disprin phenki,
woh pani mein ghul gayi.

Sardar bola: Chal Beta, Ghar Chal Bahut Kaam Pada Hai!
JINN Shocked
Sardar ROCKED
_________________________________________________

Best Break Up Ever:A Sardar Threw 6 Cricket Balls At His GirlFriend.
GirlFriend: What Was That For?
Sardar: Its 'OVER'!
_________________________________________________

Interviewer: what is your birth date?
Sardar: 13th October.
Interviewer: Which year?
Sardar: EVERY YEAR
_________________________________________________
Manager asked sardar at an interview.
Can you spell a word that has more than 100 letters in it?
Sardar replyed: -P-O-S-T-B-O-X.
_________________________________________________

After returning back from a foreign trip, sardar asked his wife,
Do I look like a foreigner?
Wife: No! Why?
Sardar: In London a lady asked me Are you a foreigner?
_________________________________________________

One tourist from U.S.A. asked Sardar:
Any great man born in this village???
Sardar: no sir, only small Babies!!!
_________________________________________________

Lecturer: write a note on Gandhi Jayanthi
So Sardar writes, "Gandhi was a great man, but I don't know who is Jayanthi.
_________________________________________________

Interviewer: just imagine you are on the3rd floor, it caught fire
and how will you escape?
Sardar: its simple. I will stop my imagination!!!
_________________________________________________

Sardar: My mobile bill how much?
Call centre girl: sir, just dial 123 to know current bill status
Sardar: Stupid, not CURRENT BILL my MOBILE BILL.
_________________________________________________

Sardar: I think that girl is deaf..
Friend: How do u know?
Sardar: I told I Love her, but she said her chappals are new
_________________________________________________

Friend: I got a brand new Ford IKON for my wife!
Sardar: Wow!!! That's an unbelievable exchange offer!!!
_________________________________________________

Sardar in airplane going 2 Bombay ..
While its landing he shouted: " Bombay .. Bombay "
Air hostess said: "B silent."
Sardar: "Ok.. Ombay. Ombay"
_________________________________________________

Teacher: "What is common between JESUS, KRISHNA , RAM, GANDHI and BUDHA?"
Sardar: "All are born on government holidays...!!!
_________________________________________________

Sir: What is difference between Orange and Apple
Sardar: Color of Orange is orange, but color of Apple is not APPLE
_________________________________________________

Sardar: I haven't slept all night in the train.
Friend: Why?
Sardar: Got upper berth.
Friend: Why didn't u exchange?
Sardar: Oye! There was nobody to exchange in the lower berth.
_________________________________________________

A Sardar went to a bank to open a S.B. A/C.
After seeing the Form he went to Delhi for filling it up.
You know why?
Form said: 'Fill Up In Capital.'
_________________________________________________

Sardarji standing below a tube light with open mouth.
Why?
Because his doctor advised him: 'Today's dinner should be light !'
_________________________________________________

1 sardarji professor asked a plumber to come to his college.
You know why?
Because he wanted to check where the question paper is leaking.
_________________________________________________

Santa! Your daughter has died!
Depressed, Sardar jumps from 100th floor.
At 50th floor he remembers I don't have a daughter!
At 25th floor he remembers I'm unmarried!
At 10th floor he remembers I'm Banta not Santa!
_________________________________________________

On romantic date sardar's gf asks him:
'Darling ! On our engagement will you give me a ring?'
He said: 'Sure ! What's your phone no.?'
_________________________________________________

Sardar found the answer to the most difficult question ever.
What will come first, chicken or egg?
Oye Yaar, what ever u order first will come first.
_________________________________________________

Teacher told all students to write an essay on a cricket match.
All were busy writing except one Sardarji
He wrote:'Due To Rain, No Match!'
_________________________________________________

What does a sardar do after taking a Xerox?
He will compare it with the original for any spelling mistakes.
_________________________________________________

Why can't sardars dial Nine-Eleven (911) at emergency?
They cannot find the eleven on the phone.
_________________________________________________

Sardar & wife buy coffee in a shop.
Sardar: Drink quickly before it gets cold.
Wife: Why?
Sardar: Hot coffee $5 and cold coffee $10.
_________________________________________________

Sardar at an Art Gallery : I suppose this horrible luking thing is what you
call modern art?
Art dealer: I beg your pardon sir, that's a mirror!:
_________________________________________________

This 1 is killer .....
Teacher- beta batao britannia tiger biscuit pe jo green dot h uska matlab kya h.
Student- iska matlab ki tiger online hai.
_________________________________________________

Gabbar : Kitne admi they?

Sambha : Sardar 2

Gabbar : Mujhe ginti nahin aati, 2 kitne hote hain?

Samba : Sardar 2, 1 ke baad aata hai

Gabbar : Aur 2 ke pehle?

Samba : 2 k pehle 1 aata hai.

Gabbar : To beech mein kaun ata hai?

Samba : Beech mein koi nahi aata

Gabbar : To phir dono ek saath kyun nahin aate?

Samba : 1 k baad hi 2 aa sakta hai, kyun ki 2, 1 se bada hai.

Gabar : 2, 1 se kitna bada hai?

Samba : 2, 1 se 1 bada hai.

Gabbar : Agar 2, 1 se 1 bada hai to 1, 1 se kitna bada hai?

Samnba : Sardar maine aapka namak khaya hai, mujhe goli maar do.
_________________________________________________

A Sardar was driving to Lonavala with his girlfriend. While driving, he kept his hand on her thighs.
She smiled and said, u can go further.

Sardar went to Pune!
_________________________________________________

Once a Sardar, his wife, son and daughter went to a private party. There he introduces his family to a stranger by saying, “I am Sardar, she is Sardarni, he is my kid and she is my kidney.”
_________________________________________________

English Teacher: “One cute and young girl is walking on the road.” Change this into an punjabi exclamatory sentence.
Sardar student:- “Oye,pataka !”
_________________________________________________

Santa ek black aur ek whiteshocks pehenkar school aatahai.
Madam : Ghar jao aur moje badalkar aao.
Santa : Koi fayda nahi, wahabhi ek black aur ek white moja hi rakha hai.
_________________________________________________

Ek chor Sardar jee k mobile ko lekar bhar raha tha.
Sardar hasne laga
Banta : Wo tumhare mobile ko lekar bhag raha hai aur tum hans rahe ho.
Sardar : Bhagne do, charger to mere paas hai!
_________________________________________________

Sardarni : Lo light chali gayi.
Sardar : Light chali gayi hai to fan chala do.
Sardarni :Lo fir se kar di na sardaro wali baat. Agar fan chalaunga to mombatti bujhnahi jayegi!
_________________________________________________

Judge – You are crossing the limits.
Lawyer – Kaun Saala aisa kehta hai?
Judge – How dare you call mesaala?
Lawyer – My Lord, I said kaun‘Sa Law’ kehta hai?
_________________________________________________

If boys vomit then parents says kaminey kaha kha kar aaya tha,
If girls vomit then parents says kaun tha woh kamina,
Moral of the story: Whoever vomits boys are always kaminey
_________________________________________________

1 angrez Delhi se Lucknow train me ja rha tha..

Uske saamne pappu baitha tha.

Angrez pappu se puchta hai yahan
kaun se rajya(state) ghumne wale nahi hain ..???

Pappu:" Punjab, Hariyana, Uttar Pradesh

Angrez:" Kyun ye teen rajya bharat me nahi hain kya..???

Pappu:" Nahi ye khud me mahabharat hain..

Angrez:" oh quite dangerous to go to these states..

(Few Moments later)

Angrez:" How I will come to know person is from which state ???

Pappu:" Baitha raha.. abhi 9 ghante ke safar mein sabse wakif kara dunga!!!

Thodi der baad ek Chaudhary ji mooch wale aa ke baithe...

Pappu to angrez:" Dekh bhai ye Hariyana hai

Angrez:" Mai baat kaise karunga isse ??

Pappu:" Thodi der baitha reh apni mucho pe tav de chaudhary khud aa ke baat karega tujhse...

Angrez ne waisa hi kiya, mucho pe tav diya...

Chaudhary utha 2 kantaap maare angrez ke aur bola:" Bina kheti ke hi hal chala raha hai re kutriya...

Angrez chup !
Fir thodi der baad ek Sardar ji aaye...

Pappu bola:" Dekh bhai ye punjabi hai..

Angrez:" Isse kaise baat karun ??

Aadmi:" Baat mat kar bas puch 12 baj gaye kya..

Angrez ne waisa hi kiya

Angrez:" O sardar ji 12 baj gaye kya ??

Sardar ji ne aav dekha na taav utha ke patak diya angrez ko..
.
Sardar to angrez:" abe tujhe mai manmohan singh lagta hun jo kuch bolunga nahi.

Pahle se laal tha angrez aur laal ho gaya

Angrez bola pappu se:" Bhai Punjab aur Hariyana ke darshan to ho gaye..

Uttar Pradesh ke aadmi se bhi milwa do..

Hahahahahahaha

Pappu Bola:" Pitwa kaun raha hai...?
_________________________________________________

Sardar ne Ghar Ka Darwaza Ukhada Aur Kandhe Pe Rakh Ke Bazaar Me Gaya...
Ek Aadmi Ne Poocha : O Paaji, Kya Darwaza Bechna hai ???
Sardar : Nahi, Tala Khulwana Hai, Chaabi Gum Ho Gai Hai...

Hanso Mat !!!

Joke Abhi Aage Hai :

Aadmi Sardar Se : Agar Ghar Me Chor Ghus Gaye Toh ???
Sardar : Andar Kaise Jayega ???
Darwaza Toh Mere Paas Hai..!!!

Boy: Abbu k office me roj Namaaz hoti hai.

Ammi: Ye to achchi baat he.

Boy: Lekin Abbu ki aawaj nahi aati.
Sirf unki secretary 'Ya Allah,Ya Allah' kehti hai

Ali ko 3 bachche hue
ali ne naam rakha-

hasrat ali
harkat ali
barkat ali

10 mahino baad 2 bachche or hue,
biwi ne naam rakhe-

BAS-KAR-ALI
REHAM-KAR-ALI.
_________________________________________________

4 sardars BMW mein jaa rahe the. Itne mein ek buzurg ne apni Maruti 800 se inki gaadi ko thokar maari.

4 sardars baahar aa gaye aur bole "Oye buddhe, jaanta hai tu ne kya kiya. Baahar nikal. Aaj teri saari haddi tod denge". 

Buzurg dar kar baahar aaya. Sardar usey maarne hi wala tha ki usne kaha "Ye toh sarasar na insaafi hai. Aap log char hai aur mein akela hoon".

Toh ek sardar apne baaki doston se kaha "Ye thik keh raha hai. Balbir aur Bobby, tum dono is buzurg ke taraf se ladho".

Ladaai shuru hi hone wala tha toh buzurg ne kaha "Ye kya baat hui. Muqabla toh barabar wale mein honi chahiye. Hum teen hai, aap do hi hai".

Tab woh sardar bola "Ye bhi thik hai. Uncle, aap ghar jayiye. Hum log aapas mein ladkar nipat lenge"

Bolo tara rara
_________________________________________________

Sardar was served whiskey in a Flight. The Flight attendant asks the Priest seated next to him, whether he would like a drink too?

Priest: "I would rather be raped by a dozen prostitutes than let liquor touch my lips".

Sardar returns the drink saying:"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice"
_________________________________________________

Sardar make a call to his home.
Servant picked the phone.

Sardar: Give phone to my wife.
Servant: She is sleeping with her husband.

Sardar: But I am her husband.
Servant: Now what to do?
Sardar: Kill both of them.

After killing Servant: What to do with dead bodies?
Sardar: Put them in our swimming pool.

Servant: But there is no swimming pool in home.
Sardar: Sorry wrong Number
_________________________________________________

Sardar rings a call centre:
My internet is not working properly

Officer:
Ok
Double click on "My computer"

Sardar:
I can't see ur computer

Officer:
No no
click on "My computer" on ur computer

Sardar:
How can I click on ur computer from my computer?

Officer:
listen
There is an icon labelled "My Computer" on ur computer
Ok
double click on it

Sardar:
what the hell, what is your computer doing on my computer..?

Officer:
Double click on ur computer

Sardar:
On which Icon i've to click

Officer:
"My Computer"

Sardar:
Oh Teri......Pagal insaan
Tell me where is ur office. I'll come there and click on ur "Computer."
_________________________________________________

A Bihari & a sardar Army Jawan were standing together in a Parade ground holding their guns. A 'Saab' comes and asks the Sardar soldier : Tumhare haath me kya hai ?

Sardar Soldier : Meri Banduk hai saab.
Saab, angrily : Ye Banduk nahi tumhai shaan hai, izzat hai,
tumhari maa hai,MAA HAI, MAA, MAA,MAA samjhe ?

Then the saab moves to the Bihari soldier and asks him :
Tumhare haath me kya hai ?
Bihari jawan : Is sardar ki maa hai ustaad, rishte me hamri
Aunty lagi, AUNTY, AUNTY
_________________________________________________

Thursday, 9 June 2016

Humorous Jokes About New Zealand/Kiwi Humor With Quotes & One Liners

jokes about new zealand

Q. How do you castrate a man from Te Kuiti?
A. Kick his sister in the chin.
_______________________________________________________

Robert Muldoon, Prime Minister of New Zealand from 1975 till 1984. You can think of him as Churchill without a world war, warts and all (especially warts). There are a couple of good lines involving him.

First: someone expressed a certain amount of concern at the number of people emigrating from New Zealand to Australia. Muldoon dismissed such concerns, because “it raises the IQ of both countries.”

Second: it is told that, during the holidays, the Governor General encountered Muldoon coming out of Parliament with a big turkey under his arm, engendering the following exchange:

GG: I see you won the draw for the Christmas ham!

Muldoon: What do you mean? This is a turkey.

GG: I was talking to the turkey.
_______________________________________________________

A Chinaman, a German and a Kiwi are working on a highrise construction site.At lunch time, they sat down together and opened their lunchboxes.

The Chinaman looked inside and said, "Ah, if I get dumpling again, I gonna jump off the building". The German looked inside and said, "Mann, if I get Sauerkraut and Pickle again,

I vill jump off zee building too". The Kiwi looked inside and said, "Smokes if I get fush and chups again, I'm gonna jump off this building as well'!

The next day at lunchtime, they open their lunchboxes. The Chinaman looked inside and said, "Ah, DUMPLINGS!!!". He jumped off the 32nd floor and died. The German looked inside and said, "Mann, SAUERKRAUT ND PICKLE!!!!" He jumped off the 32nd floor and died. The Kiwi looked inside and said, "Smokes, FUSH AND CHUPS!!!"

He jumped off the 32nd floor and died.
At the funeral, the Chinamans wife said, "If I know he no like dumplings, I will have make something different". The Germans wife said, "If I know he doesn't like Sauerkraut nd Pickle, I would have made zompting (something) divferent.

" Everyone looked at the Kiwi's wife. She said, "Don't look at me, he made his own lunch".
_______________________________________________________

The Kiwis have solved their own fuel problems.
They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil.
_______________________________________________________
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