Funny Hospital Jokes,Mental Patient Humor,One Liners,Quotes,Pictures And Much More To Laugh

A guy in a mental hospital, placed two stones in his ears ..

The doctor asked him,
"What are you doing?"

he replied,
"I'm listening to ROCK music!"
hospital jokes one liners

Funny Hospital Humor

In a Mental Hospital a journalist asked the Doctor - "How do you determine whether to admit a Patient or not..?????

Dr: Well, we first fill a bathtub &give a teaspoon, a glass & a bucket to the patient & ask them to empty the bathtub..!

Journalist - Oh, obviously a normal person would use the bucket because its bigger..!!.

Dr - No, a normal person would pull the drain plug!

Now will you please proceed to bed No. 39.

It Happened in a Hospital that ICU patients died in the same bed every Sunday at 3PM.
Doctors thought it is something Super Natural.

Worldwide Expert team was formed to Investigate the cause.

Next Sunday, few mins before 3PM, all doctors & Nurses stood around that Bed & Waiting to see what it was.

Then Suddenly SHANTABAI (Part time sweeper) Entered the ICU, unplugged the Life Support system of that Bed & then plugged her Mobile Charger.

Funny Jokes For Hospital Patients

way to recognise a doctor in hospital.....
1. girl with apron pockets full of garbage.. restless, irritable , waddling gate.... shouting on phone... A GYNAECOLOGIST

2. steth in neck, hump at back, or sometimes belly try to come out of shirt, silent, tired walk with masked facial appearance..... no response to stimuli to smile... A MEDICINE DOCTOR

3. snoozing on chair... but loud voice... few abuses... dominating personality.. like DON of the hospital, everybody talk to him politely including Dean or Medical superintendent

4. brisk gait, white paste on pant nd boots.... loud voice... lots of attitude... talking of self... arrogant, under influence

5. neeras attitude... tired body... always frustrated, response to stimuli... red stetho...

6. Mostly female. ...gossiping...always eating something. ..shouting on someone

7. Calm, neatly dressed, rarely seen by pts, blurring of vision

8. In dirty White coat, confused, always in hurry, everybody shouting on him/ her including sister/ Mama

9. a cool, calm, polite, smart, soft spoken with always a smile on face..sweet by nature..... AISE DOCTOR SIRF PEPSODENT KE AD ME DIKHTE HAIN:)

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny.
"She's incredibly dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards." said one doctor. "Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of Percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!"

The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!"
Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall. "Oh my God!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"

Nurse Humor

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:

Are - my - test - results - back?"

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament.

Sir, she said "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.

Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR.

Who would know if he touched them?

He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.

What a nice feeling, he thought. Men restrooms don't have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent

of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

"What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.

"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your p$nis is under your pillow."

Mental Hospital Patients Funny Jokes

A person on his death bed (in Mumbai at Hospital) with Wife, Kids and Nurse beside him.
Man to Eldest son : You take the 15 Bungalows at Borivali.
To daughter : You take the 8 bungalows at Juhu.

To youngest son : You are my youngest and most dearest and I want your future to be bright, so
you keep the 20 offices at Nariman Point.

To wife : Dear Kavita, you keep all 11 of our Lokhandwala building flats.
Nurse - quite impressed -
To wife : wow...You are lucky to have such a husband who is so rich and giving you all
the properties etc.

Wife: What properties,
what rich ...
Doodhwala hai sala..
he's distributing our responsibilities of delivering Milk to his clients in the morning.