Funny husband wife jokes for couples

Funny husband wife jokes

One day a married couple was going for a long drive. The husband was behind the wheel. 

Wife: Honey I want a divorce. 

Husband: Alright. 

Wife: I want alimony. I want 40% of your salary every month. 

The husband increased the car speed from 40 to 60 kph. 

Wife: I want the car too. 

Now the husband pressed the accelerator hard. They were going 80 in a 50 kph zone. 

Wife: I will take the house and the holiday home too. 

The husband accelerated more and now the car was doing 100 kph. 

Wife: Don’t you want to say anything? Don’t you want to keep anything? 

Now the husband was heading straight toward a concrete block. 

Husband: ‘I already have what I need. The airbag!’ 

It had only a driver’s airbag.


A married couple was walking through a garden, suddenly a dog ran towards them. They both knew it will bite them.

The husband lifted his wife to let the dog bite him rather than his sweetheart. The dog stopped before them, unsure what to do, barked a little and ran away. 

The husband put his wife down, expecting a hug and a few kind words of gratitude from her. But his wife shouted "I've seen people throwing stones & sticks at dogs, this is the first time I see someone trying to throw his wife at a dog"

 *Moral: A Wife is a Wife*


WIFE: Honey let's play a game 
HUSBAND: Okay. What's the game about? 
WIFE: If I mention a country, you run to the left side of the room and touch the wall & if I mention a bird, you run to the right side of the room and touch the wall. If you run to the wrong direction, you'll give me all your salary for this month 
HUSBAND: Okay! And if you fail in your turn, I'll have your salary too right? 
WIFE: (smiles) Yes darling!
HUSBAND: Okay (stands up ready to run in any direction) 
Wife: are you ready 
Husband: Yes ready 
WIFE: TURKEY Its been 4 HOURS NOW... The husband is still standing at the spot wondering if she meant the Country or the bird Moral lesson... After God, Fear Women!


Very touching story of a couple - 
A man purchased an Royal Enfield Bullet 350cc. So that could take his girlfriend for long drives. But unfortunately, he was not able to hear his girlfriend's voice while riding on it because of the loud Bullet sound. He got fed up and sold his Bullet n bought Honda Activa. He got married to his girlfriend and one year later. He sold Honda Activa and bought an Royal Enfield Bullet 500 cc.


Intelligent answer 😜😜: 

Wife 😡: "Tell me who is STUPID ? You or Me ?" 

Husband: "Dear , everyone knows that, you are so intelligent, you will never marry a STUPID person." 😄😄 😝😜😃😳 

What a decent way to reply !


Wife: Can you help me in garden? 

Husband: what do you think, i am a gardener?

Wife: Can you fix door handle? 

Husband: What do you think, i m a carpenter? In the evening when husband came from the work, he saw everything has been fixed. He asked wife who fixed this. ... ... 

Wife: Our neighbor. But he gave me 2 options. Either i should give him burger or a kiss. 

Husband: I am sure you must have given a burger. 

Wife: What do u think, I am "McDonald's ?


Wife sent a message to her husband : Don’t forget to buy vegetables on your way back from office, . . . . and Dolly says hi to you . 

Husband :Who is Dolly ? 

Wife : Nobody, I was just making sure that you read my message


A grandson, noticed his grandpa who looked rather tensed. So to break the ice, he asked his grandpa one question while on the way back from school.

What is the difference between 'Wife' and 'Girlfriend?' Grandpa thought for a minute and Simplified the explanation like this ; 

Listen Son:  Wife  is like a  TV  and  Girlfriend  is like a  MOBILE.  At home  you  watch  TV, but when you go out you  take  your MOBILE. Sometimes you  enjoy  TV, but most of the time, you  play  with your MOBILE. TV is (as good as)  free  for life, but for the MOBILE, if you don't  pay,  the services will be  terminated.  TV is  big, bulky  and most of the time  old,  But the MOBILE is  cute, slim, curvy, replaceable  and  portable.  Operational costs for TV is often  acceptable  but for the MOBILE, it is often  high  and  demanding.  TV has a  remote  but MOBILE  doesn't.  Most importantly, MOBILE is a  two-way communication  (you talk and listen), but with the TV, you  MUST only listen  (whether you want to or not)!😝 Last but not least! Yet TVs are superior because TVs don't have  viruses,  but MOBILES often  do 😂 And mobiles can be easily  hacked  or  stolen.   Take Care Stick to TV only  Issued in Public interest!