Funny husband wife jokes
One day a married couple was going for a long drive. The husband was behind the wheel.
Wife: Honey I want a divorce.
Husband: Alright.
Wife: I want alimony. I want 40% of your salary every month.
The husband increased the car speed from 40 to 60 kph.
Wife: I want the car too.
Now the husband pressed the accelerator hard. They were going 80 in a 50 kph zone.
Wife: I will take the house and the holiday home too.
The husband accelerated more and now the car was doing 100 kph.
Wife: Don’t you want to say anything? Don’t you want to keep anything?
Now the husband was heading straight toward a concrete block.
Husband: ‘I already have what I need. The airbag!’
It had only a driver’s airbag.
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A married couple was walking through a garden, suddenly a dog ran towards them. They both knew it will bite them.
The husband lifted his wife to let the dog bite him rather than his sweetheart. The dog stopped before them, unsure what to do, barked a little and ran away.
The husband put his wife down, expecting a hug and a few kind words of gratitude from her. But his wife shouted "I've seen people throwing stones & sticks at dogs, this is the first time I see someone trying to throw his wife at a dog"
*Moral: A Wife is a Wife*
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Intelligent answer 😜😜:
Wife 😡: "Tell me who is STUPID ? You or Me ?"
Husband: "Dear , everyone knows that, you are so intelligent, you will never marry a STUPID person." 😄😄 😝😜😃😳
What a decent way to reply !
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Wife: Can you help me in garden?
Husband: what do you think, i am a gardener?
Wife: Can you fix door handle?
Husband: What do you think, i m a carpenter? In the evening when husband came from the work, he saw everything has been fixed. He asked wife who fixed this. ... ...
Wife: Our neighbor. But he gave me 2 options. Either i should give him burger or a kiss.
Husband: I am sure you must have given a burger.
Wife: What do u think, I am "McDonald's ?
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Wife sent a message to her husband : Don’t forget to buy vegetables on your way back from office, . . . . and Dolly says hi to you .
Husband :Who is Dolly ?
Wife : Nobody, I was just making sure that you read my message
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A grandson, noticed his grandpa who looked rather tensed. So to break the ice, he asked his grandpa one question while on the way back from school.
What is the difference between 'Wife' and 'Girlfriend?' Grandpa thought for a minute and Simplified the explanation like this ;
Listen Son: Wife is like a TV and Girlfriend is like a MOBILE. At home you watch TV, but when you go out you take your MOBILE. Sometimes you enjoy TV, but most of the time, you play with your MOBILE. TV is (as good as) free for life, but for the MOBILE, if you don't pay, the services will be terminated. TV is big, bulky and most of the time old, But the MOBILE is cute, slim, curvy, replaceable and portable. Operational costs for TV is often acceptable but for the MOBILE, it is often high and demanding. TV has a remote but MOBILE doesn't. Most importantly, MOBILE is a two-way communication (you talk and listen), but with the TV, you MUST only listen (whether you want to or not)!😝 Last but not least! Yet TVs are superior because TVs don't have viruses, but MOBILES often do 😂 And mobiles can be easily hacked or stolen. Take Care Stick to TV only Issued in Public interest!
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