British Jokes - British People & Empire Puns

Britain Jokes - British People & Empire Puns

During the British Raj , it was felt that bonding with the locals would be better if English officers could speak in Punjabi. Accordingly, a Punjabi tutor was arranged for a Gora Major Saab. 

After a month, the tutor felt he had taught the British Major good Punjabi. The Major’s commanding officer in Lahore, the British General, decided to personally test the Major. So, he threw some ink on the table and asked the Major to describe in Punjabi what happened. 

Major: "Aithay ink kinnay giraayi hai?" 

The tutor looked happy but the General was disappointed and asked them to further improve the Punjabi. Another month passed, and it was time for another test. 

The General again threw ink on the table and asked the same question. 

Major replied in his improved style : "Aitthay siyahi kinnay doli hai?" 

The tutor was thrilled, but the General was still not satisfied. So the tutor asked what the General was expecting. 

The General said he would demonstrate and called a desi Punjabi Sergeant to come into the office. The Sergeant walked in, saw the mess and immediately screamed: 

"Oye kanjaro ! Eh mez di maa behen kinne kitti hai?” 

The old General stood up, applauded and announced: "Now, that, gentleman is Punjabi.” !


A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job." 

The German doctor says: "That's nothing, in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job." 

The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another man’s chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for a job." 

The South African doctor laughs: "You are all behind us. A few years ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no liver and made him President, now the whole country is looking for a job!"


Funny British humor

The teacher asks little Johnny about his weekend. 
“I went to see my nana,” Johnny says. 

“That’s nice, Johnny,” the teacher replies, “but nana is a baby word, and you’re a big boy, so say grandma.” 

“I went to see my grandma,” says Johnny. 

“Good, and how did you get there?” 
Johnny says, “We went on the choo-choo!” 
Teacher says, “That must have been exciting, but big boys say train.” 

Johnny thinks for a moment and says, “We went to see my…grandma on the train.” 

“Very good, Johnny. And did you bring a book to read?” 

Jonny nods his head. “Which book did you bring?” Johnny thinks deeply for a moment, and then says, “Winnie the Shit!”


An American was visiting London on business. In an office building he is frantically pressing the elevator button, as he is late for a meeting. 

The British security guard goes to him "Is everything okay sir?" 

The American goes "Your damn elevators are slow!" 

The British security guard goes "No worries sir, it is a busy time of day. The lift will be here shortly."

 The American, at this point impatient goes: "Elevator, you idiot. I'm from America, and we invented the damn thing - it's called an ELEVATOR." 

The British security guard simply smiles and says: "Very true, you did, sir. However, we invented the language, you see. As such, it is called a lift."


A man goes to his doctor and says he is deeply depressed. His job stresses him out and he sees no hope for the future. The doctor asks him if he's in a relationship and the man says he is. 

The doctor says, “That’s very positive. There are times when I feel like you do. On those days, when I get back from work, I cuddle my wife and we make love all night, it really helps. See how that goes for you and come back to see me next week. “ The man trudged out of the office. A week later the man returns. He looks happy and relaxed, very different from how he looked when he was last there. The doctor says “You look much better, did you take my advice?” The man says “I certainly did and may I say you have a very lovely home.”


A family have a parrot, and after many years, it dies. The wife is distraught, and after a few days, goes to the pet store to get another. The store owner proudly shows off this wonderful colorful specimen, saying it’s the only one he has in store, and it’s free to a good home. 

“But it’s beautiful, how come it’s free”? 

“ Ah” says the owner “it has a rather “choice” vocabulary. 

Y’see, it was handed in by the Madam of the local brothel after the police shut them down last week.”

 “I don’t care, I’ll take it” and off she goes. 

At home, the parrot looks around and squawks “Bloody ‘ell, a new brothel!” The woman is horrified… the parrot carries on.. “Bloody ‘ell, the madam’s fat”… “Bloody ‘ell, it’s warm in ‘ere” … “Bloody ‘ell, gimme a drink”… 

The woman’s two daughters, late teens and early 20’s, hear the commotion and walk in the room “Bloody ‘ell, some new tarts!” 

The girls think it’s hilarious, and burst out laughing, which gets the attention of their dad, who’s out in the garden. He walks in the room and the parrot shrieks “Bloody ‘ell Dave, haven’t seen you for over a week ……..”


American jokes about British

A Russian, an American, and a British admiral were having a drink on an American aircraft carrier. They were talking about the bravery of their sailors. 

The Russian said, “I will demonstrate the bravery of our sailors.” He calls a sailor over and says, “Jump off the ship. Swim under it and climb back up.” The sailor promptly salutes and jumps off the flight deck, swims under the ship, climbs up the davits and stands in front of the admiral and salutes. 

The Russian says, “That, gentlemen, is courage." The American says, “That's nothing.” He calls over a PO and says, “I want you to jump off the bows. Swim under the ship to the stern and then return." The PO salutes, jumps off the bow, swims to the stern, and climbs back up to stand in front of the admiral and salutes. 

The American says, “That, gentlemen, is courage." The British admiral says, “That's nothing. Sailor, come here." The matelot comes to attention and salutes. The admiral says, “I want you to climb the highest mast on the carrier, jump off, swim under the boat from bow to stern and then from beam to beam then climb up the mast and do it again." The matelot looks at the admiral and says, “You can fuck right off, sir!” The admiral turns to the other two and says, “And that, gentlemen, is courage."