7+ Security Puns,Security Guard Jokes + One Liners & Quotes

security jokes

Here are some of the most comic jokes about security guards,security puns,security officers jokes

What does a security guard have in common with the hands of a clock?

Answer: They are on watch.

Santa for post of Security Guard was interviewed:

"We want someone with a Suspicious mind,always on high alert,wanting to attack,Strong body,
High sense of hearing & most importantly Killer instinct..!!

Do u think u r eligible ???"

Santa: "No !! But can My Wife apply ?

A security guard stopped me as I walked out of Tesco this morning.
"I believe you've got a bottle of Champagne inside your jacket," he said,"Would you mind opening it for me?"

"Not at all," I replied,"Have you got a couple of glasses?"

A security guard was at his work at certain offices,a very strick place to dump rubbish,urinate or hawk around,

as he went to the back of the offices there was a man urinating so he caught the offending man and shouted "this place is not allowed to urinate but you have done that,you will be locked or pay R100 fine"

The man apologised,handed R200 note to the guard and demanded his change.
"i don't have change now,just urinate again" shouted the guard

Security Guard: Madam Swimming Is Prohibited In This Lake.

Lady: Then Why Didn't You Tell Me When I Was Taking Off My Clothes?

Guard: Well! That's Not Prohibited.

GUARD: Aha! I’ve caught you red-handed! stealing fishes.

Skebhe: What do you mean by red-handed?

Security GUARD: You’ve got a bucket full of fishes right here, you can not talk your way out of it this time.

Skebhe: Oh my friend, you don’t understand, I’ve not stolen a thing. These are my pet fishes. I bring them to the reservoir once a week for exercise. After they've had a good swim, they come back to the bucket and we go back home. I can prove it.

Skebhe dipped the bucket in and the fishes swam away. They both stood in silence for 20, 30, 40 minutes….. No sign of the fish coming back to the bucket.

SECURITY GUARD: Aha, you lying rogue! You stole those fishes?

SKEBHE: What fishes? Where is your proof? please don't be stupid I'm going home to have sex with my wife now, so get the fucker out of my face, you idiot!!!