Funny Jokes About Coffee + Hilarious Quotes,One Liners,Sayings,Pictures & Lot More

"You know you are a coffee addict when you grind your beans in your mouth"
funny coffee quotes humor
A man went to his doctor and told him that every time he drinks coffee he has a stabbing pain in his right eye. The doctor asked him, "have you tried taking the spoon out?"
coffee puns and sayings

People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning....... I reply----No, I just bring her some coffee !!!
coffee jokes one liners

I suffer from OCD- obsessive coffee disorder!

Funny Jokes About Coffee

You Should STOP drinking coffee if:

You chew on other people's fingernails.

You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.

You short out motion detectors.

You help your dog chase its tail.

All your kids are named "Joe".

You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."

You pour coffee on a choking victim because CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."

You can jump-start your car without cables.

You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.

You ski uphill.

You walk ten miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.

You channel surf faster without a remote.

You're so wired, your ears pick up AM radio.

You can outlast the Energizer bunny.

Your doctor tells you, your blood type is COFFEE

The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.

Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

You answer the door before people knock.

Your morning cup of Coffee is so strong it wakes up the neighbors!

You think on the eighth day God created coffee.

You look at energy drinks and laugh really really loud!

A mother wakes up one morning to the smell of coffee, she walks to the kitchen to find her young son sitting with a cup of coffee. He smiles and greets her then hands her the cup saying he wanted to surprise her, 

the mother wearily takes a sip and is delighted to find its just how she likes it, so much so she downs it all until she feels something touch her lips. 

The mother looks into the cup and pulls out a toy soldier, and puzzled asks her son what its doing there. The son replies because the tv says "the best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup."

Men are like coffee. The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night.

What did the mama coffee bean say to her kid who was too wired on caffeine to go to sleep?

You'd better go to sleep right now or you're grounded!

customer orders a short black coffee, then asks how long will that be, shop owner reply's it'll be short

Just after this guy gets married, he was invited out for a night with 'the boys.' He accepts and then tells his new bride not to worry, because he'd 'be home by midnight...promise!'

Well, the darts were landing just right and the grog was going down easy, and at around 3 a.m. drunk as can be the guy finally stumbles home. Just as he gets in the door, the cuckoo clock started, and cuckooed three times. 

Quickly he realized she'd probably been woken up by the clock, so he cuckooed another nine times to make her think it was midnight. He was really proud of himself, having the quick wits, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.

Next morning the missus asked him what time he got in and he tells her, '12 o'clock, dear!' Whew! Got away with that one!

'Hmmm, I think we need a new cuckoo clock,' she says over her morning coffee.

'Why is that?' the husband asks.

'Well, it cuckooed three times, said 'shit,' cuckooed another four times, farted, cuckooed another three times, cleared its throat; cuckooed two more times, and then giggled.

Where do birds meet for coffee? In a nest-caf.

Customer: This coffee is horrible! It tastes like dirt!
Waiter: Of course, sir. It was ground yesterday.

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peter's Square.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well... ?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, SLIM, TALL, 38D BREASTS, 24"WAIST and, 36"HIPS. When she walks into a room, people say, "Jesus Christ"
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