Monday, 29 February 2016

Hilarious Jokes,Quotes On Getting Older


YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING OLD WHEN:
  1.  you feel like the morning after, and you haven't been anywhere the night before. 
  2. everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work. 
  3.  you look forward to a dull evening. 
  4.  you find yourself giving good advice instead of setting a bad example.
  5.  the candles cost more than the cake.
  6.  the little gray-haired lady you help across the street is your wife. 
  7.  you go duck hunting just to please the dog. 
  8.  your doctor is just old enough to be your grand daughter. 
  9.  in the morning you hear snap, crackle, pop, and it isn't your breakfast cereal. 
  10.  your mind makes contracts your body can't fulfill. 
  11.  you know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions. 
  12.  you call in sick and mean it. 
  13.  you give your grandkids thirty-five cents for an ice cream cone, and they look at you funny. 
  14.  the gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals. 
  15.  a dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge. 
  16.  your grandchildren study things in history that you studied in current events. 
  17.  by the time you've lit the last candle on your cake, the first one has burned out. 
  18.  your idea of obscenity is jogging. 
  19.  you have too much room in the house and not enough room in the medicine cabinet. 
  20.  you get your full share of exercise acting as a pallbearer for those who took their exercise. 
  21.  you stop buying natural foods, because you need all the preservatives you can get. 
  22.  you feel like it's the morning after, but you haven't been anywhere the night before. 
  23.  you finally reach the top of the ladder and find it is leaning against the wrong wall. 
  24.  you get out of the shower and are glad the mirror is all fogged up. 
  25.  your little black book contains lots of names, all of which end in M.D. 
  26.  you get winded playing chess. 
  27.  your children begin to look middle aged. 
  28.  your favorite feature in the newspaper is "Twenty-five \fears Ago Today." 
  29.  your knees buckle, but your belt won't
  30. After painting the town red, you have to take a long rest before you apply the second coat. 
  31. you remember today that yesterday was your anniversary, you just can't stand people who are intolerant.
  32. The best part of your day is over when the alarm clock goes off. you walk around with your head held high, trying to get used to the trifocals.
  33. you sit in a rocking chair and can't make it go
  34. your idea of a long trip is to the back of the Wal-Mart, 
  35.  you take real interest in hospital admissions listed in the paper, to keep track of your friends. 
  36.  you go to visit a friend in the hospital, and the emergency room staff comes toward you with a wheelchair. 
  37.  while trying to figure out your last hospital bill, you have to take additional medication for your blood pressure. 
  38. that last visit to the specialist cost you more than you earned in the first four years at work. 
  39.  you receive six pieces of mail in the same day, and five of them are from retirement villages, asking you to come and visit them. 
  40.  taking out a three-year subscription to a magazine is an act of positive thinking and real optimism.
  41.  you decide to put off one more day what you had decided to put off one more day yesterday. 
  42.  you get excited simply watching the Weather Channel on television. 
  43.  you go to the mall not to shop but get a free blood pressure examination. 
  44.  you look forward to the next sale on support hose. 
  45.  licking stamps for your letters is a hard day's work. 
  46.  the doctor tells you that you are as sound as a dollar, and you get very upset. 
  47.  your idea of a wild drinking party is a king-size Coca Cola. 
  48.  you notice that your high school classmate looks older than sin. 
  49.  you can remember when going to a movie didn't cost you as much as the initial down-payment on a refrigerator. 
  50.  you can recall when service stations actually were. 
  51.  you call the ambulance dispatcher and he tells you your address. 
  52.  you begin to lose hope of ever finishing your Green Stamp book. 
  53.  you can remember when it wasn't necessary to call the bank before the plumber. 
  54.  you don't think "getting older" jokes are funny
  55. The telephone rings on a Saturday night and you hope it's not for you. 
  56. Your kids try to count the candles on your birthday cake, but are driven back by the heat. 
  57. You don't have to worry about avoiding temptation anymore, temptation avoids you. 
  58. Your Social Security number is two digits. 
  59. The only "vice" you can still handle is the one on your workshop bench. 
  60. You're 44 around the chest, 38 around the hips, 100 around the golf course and a pain around the house. 
  61. As you are picking up items off the floor, you ask if there is anything else you can do while you're down there. 
  62. You've finally got it all together, and then you forget where you left it. 
  63. You realize that whatever Mother Nature gave you, Father Time is starting to take away. 
  64. You're at that difficult age where you're too old to work and too poor to retire. 
  65. When they turn down your bed when staying overnight at a hotel, they leave a chocolate Ex-Lax on your pillow, 
  66. You read the obituary section of the newspaper first. 
  67. "Getting a little action" means your prune juice is working. 
  68. You're working your way through the three ages of hair: parted, unparted, departed. 
  69. You stop buying green bananas. 
  70. You take up jogging so you can hear heavy breathing again. 
  71. You decide to procrastinate but never get around to it. 
  72. Every new person you meet reminds you of someone you already know. 
  73. People keep telling you how great you look. 
  74. You finally know your way around but no longer want to go
jokes on getting older

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