YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING OLD WHEN:
- you feel like the morning after, and you haven't been anywhere the night before.
- everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
- you look forward to a dull evening.
- you find yourself giving good advice instead of setting a bad example.
- the candles cost more than the cake.
- the little gray-haired lady you help across the street is your wife.
- you go duck hunting just to please the dog.
- your doctor is just old enough to be your grand daughter.
- in the morning you hear snap, crackle, pop, and it isn't your breakfast cereal.
- your mind makes contracts your body can't fulfill.
- you know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
- you call in sick and mean it.
- you give your grandkids thirty-five cents for an ice cream cone, and they look at you funny.
- the gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
- a dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge.
- your grandchildren study things in history that you studied in current events.
- by the time you've lit the last candle on your cake, the first one has burned out.
- your idea of obscenity is jogging.
- you have too much room in the house and not enough room in the medicine cabinet.
- you get your full share of exercise acting as a pallbearer for those who took their exercise.
- you stop buying natural foods, because you need all the preservatives you can get.
- you feel like it's the morning after, but you haven't been anywhere the night before.
- you finally reach the top of the ladder and find it is leaning against the wrong wall.
- you get out of the shower and are glad the mirror is all fogged up.
- your little black book contains lots of names, all of which end in M.D.
- you get winded playing chess.
- your children begin to look middle aged.
- your favorite feature in the newspaper is "Twenty-five \fears Ago Today."
- your knees buckle, but your belt won't
- After painting the town red, you have to take a long rest before you apply the second coat.
- you remember today that yesterday was your anniversary, you just can't stand people who are intolerant.
- The best part of your day is over when the alarm clock goes off. you walk around with your head held high, trying to get used to the trifocals.
- you sit in a rocking chair and can't make it go
- your idea of a long trip is to the back of the Wal-Mart,
- you take real interest in hospital admissions listed in the paper, to keep track of your friends.
- you go to visit a friend in the hospital, and the emergency room staff comes toward you with a wheelchair.
- while trying to figure out your last hospital bill, you have to take additional medication for your blood pressure.
- that last visit to the specialist cost you more than you earned in the first four years at work.
- you receive six pieces of mail in the same day, and five of them are from retirement villages, asking you to come and visit them.
- taking out a three-year subscription to a magazine is an act of positive thinking and real optimism.
- you decide to put off one more day what you had decided to put off one more day yesterday.
- you get excited simply watching the Weather Channel on television.
- you go to the mall not to shop but get a free blood pressure examination.
- you look forward to the next sale on support hose.
- licking stamps for your letters is a hard day's work.
- the doctor tells you that you are as sound as a dollar, and you get very upset.
- your idea of a wild drinking party is a king-size Coca Cola.
- you notice that your high school classmate looks older than sin.
- you can remember when going to a movie didn't cost you as much as the initial down-payment on a refrigerator.
- you can recall when service stations actually were.
- you call the ambulance dispatcher and he tells you your address.
- you begin to lose hope of ever finishing your Green Stamp book.
- you can remember when it wasn't necessary to call the bank before the plumber.
- you don't think "getting older" jokes are funny
- The telephone rings on a Saturday night and you hope it's not for you.
- Your kids try to count the candles on your birthday cake, but are driven back by the heat.
- You don't have to worry about avoiding temptation anymore, temptation avoids you.
- Your Social Security number is two digits.
- The only "vice" you can still handle is the one on your workshop bench.
- You're 44 around the chest, 38 around the hips, 100 around the golf course and a pain around the house.
- As you are picking up items off the floor, you ask if there is anything else you can do while you're down there.
- You've finally got it all together, and then you forget where you left it.
- You realize that whatever Mother Nature gave you, Father Time is starting to take away.
- You're at that difficult age where you're too old to work and too poor to retire.
- When they turn down your bed when staying overnight at a hotel, they leave a chocolate Ex-Lax on your pillow,
- You read the obituary section of the newspaper first.
- "Getting a little action" means your prune juice is working.
- You're working your way through the three ages of hair: parted, unparted, departed.
- You stop buying green bananas.
- You take up jogging so you can hear heavy breathing again.
- You decide to procrastinate but never get around to it.
- Every new person you meet reminds you of someone you already know.
- People keep telling you how great you look.
- You finally know your way around but no longer want to go
