Thursday, 11 February 2016

Banks & Bankers Funny Jokes,Quotes,Memes,Pictures

I, went for a Loan to 'YES Bank'.
They said "NO" !!


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banking Special: chatting...

banker 1 : Bhai need ur support.. She is online n said "I love you"... Kya karu?

banker 2 : Bhai... Sabse pehle screen shot le...
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funny banker jokes
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A young banker decided to get his first tailor made suit. So he went to the finest tailor in town and got measured for a suit.

A week later he went in for his first fitting. He put on the suit and he looked stunning, he felt that in this suit he can do business. 

As he was preening himself in front of the mirror he reached down to put his hands in the pockets and to his surprise he noticed that there were no pockets.

He mentioned this to the tailor who asked him, "Didn't you tell me you were a banker?"

The young man answered, "Yes, I did."

To this the tailor said, "Who ever heard of a banker with his hands in his own pockets?
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In my opinion Govt must make a guideline for recruiting banker, salient feature of which should be as under.
1. Candidate must not be married.

2 He will not marry untill he works for bank.

3 He should not think/ expect much about salary and wages.

4 He should be eager to work 24 hours without rest.

5 He should be ready to work 7 days.

6 He has no social status/contacts. If he has,he will leave all these after joining bank as he will not get any time for this after joining bank.

7 He should not have self respect, as any customer can beat him. Abuse him. Slap him. Insult him or do what ever they want.

8 He should always stand attentive for any verbal order given by his top authorities, without thinking whether it is right or not.

He will not raise any question nor laugh or discuss about any irrelevant order.
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A little story of a Banker's wife.

There was a Banker., who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife...
'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.'
And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart.


He died soon.

He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there, dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket.

The obdient wife said,
'Wait just a moment!' She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away.
Then her friend said, 'Girl, I know you were not foolish enough to put all that money in there with your husband.'

The loyal wife replied,
'Listen, I'm a wife; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him.'
'You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?'
I sure did, 'said the loyal wife.' I got all the money together, put it into my account, and wrote him a cheque.... I put the cheque in the casket. Now it is up to him to encash the cheque.'
"If he can cash it, then he can spend it."

Wife kiski thi......... ???
Banker ki !
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jokes on bankers

Best answer ever by Banker Husband....

"Wife ask - why in all marriages girl sits on left side and boy on right side?

"Banker Husband reply - According to profit and loss statement a/c all income is on right side and expenses are in left side.
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banking jokes one liners

Girl : Are you Single??

Banker : Enquire at Counter No 1, that is enquiry counter.
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Munna bhai CAIIB (Must read)

appun jaise tappori Banker ko kya maalum...

saala Loan appraisal kis chidiya kaa naam hai...

SB Opening kaa kaam miltaa hai bass appun khush...!!!

fir yeh Loan appraisal kaa lafdaa locha kaiko?

are kaiko ?

arre kaiko re?

fir ek din boleto appun ko Assignment mila.....

ya haaaaaaaaaa!!!!

saala appun ka khopdi chakkar kha gaya ....

Document ke saath dil saala takkar kha gayaa...!!!

din bhar appun PDM ke aagge...

koi lafdaa nahi kuch nahi...

Boss bola kya be munna saala tu bhi Manager bann gaya...!!!

ye munnabhai kya Loan De rela hai baap...!!!

(fir ...? fir kya huwa..?)

fir ek din appun ne Loan Disbursement poora kar diya...

form poora karke appun Ko follow-up karane ko bhej diya...!!!

lagataa tha ab appun kaa kaam khatam ho gaya ....!!!

par Admika Intention mein locha dekhake sala appun darr gaya ....!!!

appun ke saamne Loan NPA ho gaya.Manager ne mere Appraisal me ki galtiyaa nikali... aapun ki poori waat laga di.... appun udharich khadaa thaa... par appun kuch nahi bola...

kaiko bolega? kaiko...?

saala ek, ek kaam kiya thaa... usme bhi itne faults...

par appun ek aansu nahi roya...

kaiko royega...?

kaiko..?

saala appunich yedaa thaa naa...!!!

agale din se phir wohi life chalu...

wohi mails forward karnaa, wohi messages, wohi template, wohi
assignments...,wohi daru,wohi masti saala itnaa mails forward kiya...itnaa mails forward kiya... log samze mail sbi ka server down hoyega... bhoolneka hai bhoolneka hai par kya karega...!!!

training milke bhi jab kaam nahi miltaa hai...

haa thoda bore huwa par chaltaa hai...
(phir ...? phir kya huwa..?)
fir ...?
fir kya...?
fir agale din appun ko aur ek Loan appraisal mila...!!!

shaappak...

saala appun ka khopdi phir chakkar kha gaya .....

Document ke saath dil saala phir takkar kha gayaa...!!!

ho ho ho hoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
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Investment Banker Was Getting Married.

During Wedding,

Wife Vomits..

Husband~"What Happened ?"

Wife~"Capital Gains Arising Out Of Previous Investment."

Husband: U cheated me..

Wife: U shd know mutual fund investments are subject to market risks.
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Banker Vs Govt.Employee Vs Politician - Must Read

Who is the BEST - Banker, Govt.Employee or
Politician....?

One day, a banker, a Govt.Employee and a Politician, went out for a walk. "Why don't we prove who is the best among
ourselves?"

Why not, said the other two.

The Banker said "Let's have a test. Whoever makes this monkey laugh, works for the best Institution". Being a pure logical strategist, Politician tried to make the monkey Laugh by telling jokes.The monkey stayed still.

As a more practical , the Govt.Employee tried to make funny gestures... No good, the monkey stayed put...

Now, comes the Banker. Being the practical guy he was always trained to be, he whispered something into the monkey's ear, and it burst out laughing at him..

The other two were astonished. So the Politician said "OK, let's take another test. Let's make this monkey cry!!" So there they went again, applying the same methods as before. Govt.Employee narrated sad stories, the Politician made sad speech & gestures, and they failed again...!

Then, the Banker again whispered something into the monkey's ear and oh! It started crying,patting the Banker's shoulder! The other two just could not believe their eyes! So the Govt.Employee said "OK, you've won twice. If you can win just this one, we will bow to you. Let's make this monkey run". And he barked at the monkey and ordered him to run. 

Of course, it stayed where it was.. The Politician true to his type, pushed and prodded the monkey- still No go. So...here comes Banker, again, and whispers into the monkey's ear. The Monkey just takes off..! It runs and runs as fast as it can, as if it was scared to death! The other two surrendered. They Said: "OK, we give up.

You're the best among us, and you work for the Best firm of the three. But please, please tell us your secret," they begged him. "Well", said theBanker , "The first time I made it laugh, I told I work for BANK . The next time, I told the monkey how much I get paid ...so it started crying. And then I told that I was here for recruitment.....!!!

A person who works & who waits for arrears over 2 years patiently is known as

"BANKER"
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Bankers will love this

It was five in the evening, the bank is almost closed. All of a sudden, the BM received a phone call from a lady. In a sweet voice she said - sir I urgently need Rs.10000. Her voice was so captivating that the BM could not say no. He instructed his cashier to keep the cash ready and with reluctance he obeyed his boss.

After a while, a dark complexioned lady with ugliest of face came to the bank and presented the cheque. The BM was taken aback, as he was expecting a cute lady. He immediately told the lady that they had already closed the cash for the day and she should come next day. The cashier was so furious and he asked the BM if his intention was to not to pay why he was made to sit late.


BM - Its the Universal rule of the bankings that........
If words and figure differ, payment will be declined.
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Banker interviewing a Farmer for Loan:

Q: Aap Bakre ko kya khilate ho?

Farmer : Kaale ko ya Safaid ko?

Banker: Safaid ko...

Farmer : Ghaas...

Banker: Aur Kaale ko?

Farmer : Use bhi Ghaas hi khilata hu.....

Banker: Inhe baandhte kidher ho?

Farmer : Kise Kaale ko ya Safaid ko?

Banker: Safaid ko.....

Farmer : Bahar ke kamre mein

Banker: Aur Kale ko?

Farmer : Use bhi bahar ke kamre mein......

Banker: Aur nehlate kaise ho?

Farmer : Kise Kale ko ya Safaid ko?

Banker: Kaale ko......

Farmer : Pani se

Banker: Aur Safaid ko?

Farmer : Use bhi pani se.

Banker Ghusse se:
Kamine, jab dono ke saath sub-kuchh ek jaisa karta hai toh mujhse baar baar kyu puchhta hai, "Kaala ya Safaid?"

Farmer : Kyu ke Safaid bakra mera hai.......

Banker: Aur kala?:

Farmer : Woh bhi mera hi hai.......! !

Aajkal Jisko dekho wo bankers ke maje rha hai.
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Customer- Jan dhan me khata khulwana h
Banker- Khulwao
C- Kya ye 0 balance me khul raha h
B- ( man hi man me .. Sale pata Nahi h kya tujhe). Han Ji free me khulwao
C- Isme sarkar kitne paise dalegi
B- Ji abhi to kuch pata Nahi
C- To me ye khata kyun khulwao
B- Ji mat khulwao
C- Phir bhi sarkar kuch to degi
B- Apko free me ATM de denge
C- Jab usme paise hi Nahi honge to me ATM ka kya karunga
B- Paise dalwao bhaiya tumhara khata h
C. Mere pas paise hote to me pahle khata nahi khulwa leta. Tum khata khol rahe ho to tum dalo na paise
B. Are bhai sarkar khulwa rahi h
C. To ye sarkari bank nahi h
B. Are bhai sarkar tumhara insurance free me kar rahi h... Pure 1 lakh ka
C. ( Khush hote huye) Acha to ye 1 lakh mujhe kab milenge
B.(Gusse me) Jab ap mar jaoge to apki bivi ko milenge
C.( Shocked) - To tum log mujhe marna chahte ho, aur meri bivi se tumhara kya matlab h
B. Are bhai ye hum nahi sarkar chahti h ki......
C. ( bich me baat kat te huye) Tumhara matlab sarkar mujhe marna chahti h
B. Are yaar mujhe nahi pata tumko khata khulwana h kya
C. Nahi pata ka kya matlab ....mujhe puri baat batao
B. Are abhi to mujhe bi puri Baat nahi pata h.... Modi ne kaha h ki khate kholo to hum khol rahe h
C... Are nahi pata to yahan kyon baithe ho
( Jan dhan ke poster ki aur dekhte huye).. Acha ye 5000 ka overdraft kya h
B. Matlab tum apne khate se 5000 nikal sakte ho.....
C. ( bich me baat kat te huye) Ye hui na bat ye lo aadhaar card ,2 photo aur nikalo 5000
B. Are yaar ye to 6 mahine baad melange
C. To 6 mahine in paison ko kya tum kam me loge


B. Bhaiya ye rupaye hi 6 mahine baad ayenge
C. JHut mat bolo pahle bola ki kuch Nahi milega.... Phir kaha ATM milega..... Phir bola insurance milega ..... Phir bolte ho 5000 rs. Milenge..... Phir kahte ho ki Nahi milenge ...... Tum he kuch pata bhi h

Banker bechara- Ayo ma ..... Kanun ki kasam ..... Bharat mata ki kasam me sach kahta hoon modi ji ne abhi kuch Nahi bataya...... Tum chale jao..... Khuda ki kasam tum jaao meri salary itni nahi ki ek saath " BRAIN HEMORRHAGE AUR HEART ATTACK KA ILAJ KARWA SAKUN"
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funniest bank jokes

Boy- I love you..

Banker Girl- Abhi lunch time hai baad mein aao..

Boy comes after 1 hour

Boy- I love you

Banker Girl- I have a boyfriend.
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