Funny Priest Puns
A priest a rabbi and a minister jokes
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi are discussing how they divide up the collection money.
The minister says, "I draw a line on the floor. I throw the money up in the air, and whatever lands on the right is for God, and whatever lands on the left is for me."
The priest says, "That's good, but I prefer to draw a small circle on the floor. I throw the money up, and whatever lands in the circle is for God, and whatever lands outside is mine."
The rabbi smiles and says, "I have the simplest method of all. I throw all the money up in the air. Whatever God wants, He keeps!"
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Dirty priest joke
Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I’ve been with a loose girl.The priest asked, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don’t want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I’m sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I can’t say."
"Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I promised not to tell."
"Nina Capelli?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Cathy Piriano?"
"I’m really sorry, Father. I can’t."
"Rosa DiAngelo?"
"I’m not saying."
The priest sighed. "Well, Joey, I admire your honesty and loyalty, but you’ll have to take a little break from altar boy duties - four months."
Joey returned to his pew. His friend Franco leaned over and whispered, "What’d you get?"
Joey grinned. "Four months off… and five great leads."
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Catholic priest jokes
A priest is giving confessional, when he suddenly feels an overwhelming urge to pee. He really needs to go to the bathroom, but he can't leave the booth unattended. So he peeks out the door and sees a janitor sweeping the floor, and calls him over."Listen, buddy, I really, really need to go to the bathroom. Can you cover for me for a few minutes?"
"What? I can't do that! I'm not a priest! I have no idea how to do confessions!"
"It's easy. There's a little book in here that lists all the sins and their penances. Just when somebody tells you their sin, look it up in the book, and assign penance accordingly. Please, buddy, I'm begging you!'
"Okay, I guess I'll give it a try."
The priest makes a mad dash for the bathroom, and the janitor takes his place in the booth. Soon, a congregant enters the other side of the booth and a speaks.
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I took the Lord's name in vain."
The janitor looks in the book under "Swearing", and reads the penance. "You must say five Hail Marys and five Our Fathers." The congregant thanks him and leaves. In walks another penitent.
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I ran over somebody with my car, twice."
The janitor looks in the book under "Vehicular Homicide" and again read the penance. "You must say ten Hail Marys and ten Our Fathers." Again, the penitent thanks him and leaves, and again somebody else takes his place.
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I had an@l sex."
The janitor looks in the book under "An@l Sex" but it isn't there. He tries again under "Sex, An@l" and it isn't there either. The penitent is waiting for a reply, and the janitor has no idea what to say. In desperation, he peeks outside the booth and sees an altar boy, and calls out to him. "You there, boy! What does the priest give for an@l sex?"
The altar boy looks at him quizzically. "Well, two Twinkies and a glass of milk, usually."
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A man goes into a confessional.
"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I've stolen a large rope."
The priest, a bit confused, says, "Well, stealing a rope isn't such a terrible sin. You are forgiven."
The man says, "Thank you, Father. But there was a horse at the other end of it."
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A priest walks into a bar joke
A priest, an imam, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, "I think I might be a typo."
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Funny priest confessions
- A priest in confessional felt sudden urge to do no.2 so he has asked sexton to do confessions for few minutes. (skip part when sexton says he can't, he does not know how to blah blah blah). Young female walks in and says: Forgive me Father cos I have sinned - blah blah blah - I had 0ral sex with a man'. - Sexton petrified runs out of the back, trying to find the priest but only finds two altar boys and asks them 'what do you give for a bl0w j0b?!' And altar boys reply: 'I dunno, priest gives us a Snickers bar each'. - I will see myself out.
- A man walks into a confessional. "Father, forgive me, because I have sinned. I am 75 years old, but I've recently started dating a 22-year-old woman. She's drop dead gorgeous, loves sex, and is absolutely insatiable. We have sex at least two or three times a day, and I make her scream like a banshee every time."
"Oh my! This is indeed a sin. To cleanse your soul, you must say five Hail Marys and five Our Fathers a day for the next week."
"What? I can't do that, I'm Jewish!"
"You're Jewish? Why are you telling ME, then?"
"I'm telling everybody!"
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An old Irishman came into a bar every Saturday and ordered three pints of Guinness.
One day, the bartender asked,
“Why do you always order three at once?”
“Oh, one is for me, one is for my brother in Chicago, and one is for my brother in Sydney.”
The bartender said, “What a lovely way to have drinks together, even though you’re apart!”
One day the man came into the bar and asked for two pints. “I’m very sorry for the loss of your brother,” said the bartender solemnly.
“Oh, my brothers are fine,” said the man. “But I gave up drinking for Lent.”
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Funny riddles about priests
Q: What do you call a priest who becomes a lawyer?A: A Father-in-law.
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A little boy is in church with his mother and he whispers, "Mommy, is it true that we come from dust and we will return to dust?" "Yes, dear, that's what the Bible says," she replies. The little boy says, "Well, I just looked under my bed, and there's someone either coming or going!"
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